So, this is the new year?

It is officially 2013. Where the fuck does the time go?

2012 was a real asshole, and I am full of nothing but optimism and motivation for this coming year. I think that I could make this year great, because after all, only you can make things great for yourself.

How I feel today, on January 2, 2013. I feel great. I feel more like myself than I have in ages. On my personal blog, that is ultra private, my inner most feelings and thoughts... I haven't written in there in months and months. Honestly, that blog was an outlet for all of the sadness, loneliness  etc, that were all so new to me. All of the hard times fell heavily on me. I would get bouts where I felt like I was starting to feel better and like myself, but deep down I knew it was only temporary. Today  though, it has been so wonderfully consistent, and I can honestly say that I have gotten so fucking much better. I feel great, I feel strong, I feel like me, and that is spectacular.

I have been at my job for almost a year now. I made 2 B's and an A this semester, and my shit GPA that has been following me since 2008 is now almost a 3.5. I feel so fucking proud of myself and have even more motivation that I can do whatever I please. I didn't even try that hard this semester at all, and I know that if I actually apply myself, great things can come.

I thought that I would share my "resolutions". I mean, really, you should strive to achieve your goals, and be a better person, etc everyday, but something about the new year really gives you that extra push, maybe.

So, on to my resolutions and such.

• To be healthier. My real goal is to lose 40 pounds. But, when it all comes down to it, we have to be real. My main, real, better goal is just to be healthier. No more fast food and junk, and snacks, etc. I love great foods. I have to start cooking more and eating the right portions. It will be splendid.

• To start (more importantly) AND FINISH a project. I have this bad habit of having these ideas and spurts of inspiration and motivation, and I let the world get the best of me. I haven't finished a project in I don't even fucking know how long. I tried to start a 365 and we see how that turned out. I am thinking of actually starting a series. Finally doing my bedroom series. Start to carry my camera around everywhere and get some real inspiration. I hope to take a photo class next semester too, so I know that having to complete assignments will be difficult and absolutely thrilling.

• Be better at work. I quickly have gotten into this bad habit where I am late almost everyday, or everyday really. Working for such a lenient boss has put me in this rut where I don't feel the need to wake up early and get to work on time. My resolution is to wake up early (possibly even start running WHAT), making time to get myself ready and possibly make a healthy breakfast, and getting to work on time without having to rush. I know that having this time in the morning will make me feel so much better, and motivated to work, more importantly as I have gotten in the slump where I sit on Tumblr and chat all day instead of doing what I need to do. This is the most important goal here.

I haven't written in a while. Christmas was great. I spent so much time with my Aunt who is one of my favorite people on this planet. She graduated college and I cannot be more proud.

That is a picture of us at this light exhibit at a nature arboretum  It was magical and I love having that extra time with her. It was a huge trail and we got to go inside and look at all of the animals and bones.

I took a hell of a lot more pictures, but I haven't had time to mess with them.

Christmas was great. It was all with Tori's family, and it was our third Christmas together. Crazy! It's such a strange and delightful feeling to finally feel accepted in her family. Mainly her mom. 

Her mom got me a bunch of cute knick knacks and a lunchbox (perfect for one of my goals), and we set up Christmas gifts from Santa for the kids. Her dad and Penny got me a sewing machine! And all of the tools and a gift card! It was so sweet, and I'm so incredibly grateful. I can't wait to start making things!

As this was Tori's idea for me, she is going to take me shopping, which is SO GREAT. I need clothes so bad. I can't wait. I got her an xbox, and it has been awesome.

My sister got married on Saturday. It was beautiful and I cried a lot. It's a wonderful feeling seeing your sister so happy, and knowing that she married someone who loves her unconditionally.

I only have this instagram picture currently as the photographer hasn't sent her the pictures yet. But, isn't she beautiful?!

Since all of the holidays, I have watched all of season 2 of Walking Dead, drank wine, ate copious amounts of food, went to a wedding, and played a lot of N64. Back to reality, 2013.

/until next time. 

lately.

Creep, creep, creepin'.

The ring lookin' ass.

Nursing wing of my college.

At the Union Bear trying out some crazy beers.

Me n my hood.

This mirror was just so big and festive.

Skeleton girl.

My school has pretty cool lights.

Third eye Rita.

Shadows on my wall.

the babes.

I took my camera on an outing the other night after I had to take some snaps at an art show for school. My new friend Rita and I ventured down town to a few bars and had a couple of drinks. She played with my camera a bit.

The rest of the pictures are from a walk around the building while waiting for my exam to start. This last one of the boys was part of a print for Tori's university work. They're adorable.

Here's to taking my camera along with me more, I need to start getting back into things.

I'm also thinking of taking a film class next semester and learning how to use the dark room. I think that will fire up my inspiration.

xx

inspiration

I really need to start taking pictures. More. I need a film camera. The picture above is by Francesca Woodman. Her story is eerie, you should read about her if you don't know about her. Her pictures tell this story. It's creepily, absolutely perfect. She has been my latest inspiration. Mostly a self portraiture artist, which I'm quickly realizing I think I am, or really, a portraiture photographer in a whole. My subjects are mainly always people. I love to capture the mood of the environment through people. Their expressions, their eyes. I'm fascinated with eyes. They tell more a story than anything else on this earth. You can almost read everything they have been through that day, that year, throughout their life through their eyes. What simple, splendid thing. I want more.

More from Francesca.

Self Portrait.

An inspriration of mine since the beginning of my photography obsession's time - Mary Ellen Mark. I actually wrote a paper on her for my spring semester and her time spent at Ward 81. You should really read about it.

Unfortunately my next bit of inspiratioin, I didn't hear about Nan Goldin until I watched a lesbian film called High Art. The movie is very losely based on her. And by losely I mean, it's just the fact that the photographer was a portrait photographer who focused mainly on LGBT subjects. Nan Goldin isn't a lesbian and didn't die, so.

Here is some of her work.

The moments and the moods, the reality, and the rawness. I love it.

I want to be inspired.

the bedroom.

I really want to start a soft bed series.

I need to start taking pictures again, and not let life get in the way, because honestly it makes me feel a lot happier.

NOOSE OF JAH CITY

Definitely one of my favorite outfits.

I don't even know why.

This weekend/week has been crazy.
My grandfather passed away on Friday and I got sent home early.
That night I was at home and Tori had her friends over.
Saturday we slept all day basically.
Sunday I went to my mom's apartment, where I was late, and we drove to Wichita.
We got there and went straight to the viewing.
Those things are always so odd. I didn't go to my grandmother's or my aunt's, but I didn't really have a choice. People leaning against the casket, like it was a piece of furniture, discussing their days over my grandfather's lifeless body. The world is morbid.
I touched him, and I will never forget the cold of his skin.
My brother came with his kids, and Kaymen kissed Sugar and told him, I love you, Bye Sugar, and I couldn't help but lose it for a second.

I spent the night at my grandmother's and we laid in bed talking until 2 AM. I woke up and got ready for the funeral. They wrapped it up quick, and even started burying him in front of us. Thanks.

I went back home to my grandma's and we talked for a bit. She let me take her car home, so I'm now selling my beloved Murray.

I came home from Wichita and Bubba is sick, he has a busted blood vessel in his ear. So, I need to take him to the vet. Poor guy :(

I had the next two days off for bereavement. I cleaned the whole living room on Tuesday and mine and Tori's bathroom. It took four hours. I can't wait for the house to be done.

Wednesday I watched Hick, and Tori came home and we ate Jason's deli and I went and walked my uncle's dog (above).

I came home and Tori and I ate a slice of cheescaked, napped and then went to see The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It wasn't what I expected, but it was good.

I love Ezra Miller, he needs to be my best friend.

I basically can't stop listening to the song that this entry is titled after.

The end.

Loud Mouths

My step-son, Tori's dog, Banks.

A delicious summer time beer that Ashley and I drank.

Just Bubs being a sweet angel baby.

Little creature <3

This is how I spend,er, spent my lunch breaks.

Packing and realizing I have more denim than anyone should have.

A chiuaua we rescued from an abusive home and found a new loving one for!

The first additions to our new house! This is in our studio.

Watching the sunrise with my bubs!

He loves his new backyard!

So, I haven't updated this thing since October 1st.

That whole entire weeks was spent looking for houses, calling about houses, and looking at houses. We found out that week that we were getting the house that we originally applied for! Which was good news.

That weekend was Index Festival on the 5th and 6th. On Friday we got there just a bit before Grimes played, who we came for. She was amazing, but the sound guys kept fucking up, and her sound even shut of right in the middle of a song. We wandered about, had a few beers, and hung out with some friends. Then, we met Grimes! It was quick, but it was awesome. Then we went to S4 and watched an awkward Drag King/Burlesque show. Ew.

The next day we went only for Washed Out, so we lounged around and then went. We brought the parking lot lady a hot chocolate and it was a cold, cold night. We got our picture taken for the Observer and DFW.com, here:

Tori's friend, Casey, actually took this who works for DFW.com. After that we went to Tori's friend house and drank some Modelo and talked film. We are going to start making short films and music!

All the next week I was just working, schooling, and packing. We got the keys to house on October 12th and started moving in all of our things. Shit is so hard right now.

The house was abandoned for a few months and before that a man lived there and attempted to remodel the kitchen and fix things up, which basically means we have a few leaks and half done kitchen. Our landlord is going to fix those things and has lowered our rent until then. Also, the people left branches everywhere and mattresses, and trash, and it's going to be a lot of work. But it's a really cute house and I can't wait to have it cleaned up!

So, not like any of you really read this blog, but that is what has been going on. Also  this is mainly for me, almost an online diary of sorts to know when and how things happened and how I felt. To note progression, etc.

Thank you.

Lipstains are the best invention, ever.

This is how I spend my lunch breaks.

Feeling very dykeadelic today.

My swimsuit for LA.

I think I was just really excited about the mountains.

Having wine and Saki at a sushi bar.

Our room service number!

My beautiful girl at lunch.

Honestly, this is where we spent most of our time.

Damn, she's attractive.

Shopping around Venice.

Saying goodbye to our view from out hotel in Little Tokyo.

Cotton Candy clouds.

Oh, how I missed you.

Tori and her wolfman.

Back to school.

I have no daylight time on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

The night before pride with Laurence.

Baby met me for lunch YUM.

I was a sick ass bitch for a while there.

Meow.

Baby made us permanent in the concrete.

You can call me 2 chains.

Taking bubs to tha park.

My homework. This album got two big thumbs down.

I'm ready for Halloween!

I've been wearing my hair all naturale lately.

Running errands with my babes.

A very dark picture from Beach House.

I've been so busy since we got back from LA. We started school, and when I don't have tons of homework, I'm helping Tori with her copious amounts. Working 40 hours a week, and then having three classes of coursework, getting assignments for journalism, etc.

Here is a small update for you via my instagram. I don't take too many pictures because I have the ancient iPhone 3G. So, I'm about 4 iPhones behind, and it really shows.

Tori took me to Beach House for our two year anniversary, which is on October 7! We are looking at houses to move into ASAP, and we've found a few promising ones, I think.

That is that. I will try and update more.