highway revisited

Today, the 300 miles between my girlfriend and I feel as heavy as the asphalt used to travel them.

Today, these 300 miles are as overwhelming as the hours used to fulfill them.

A round trip equivalent to a day of work that we can't seem to get out of.

A visit four times a month, if I'm lucky.

A visit a day at a time with weeks in between.

And everything is in numbers.

Miles, hours, day, weeks, months.

And how is that when we are together numbers don't exist?

And how am I supposed to adjust back to reality?

And the reality is just that - this is it.

That all of these numbers aren't changing anytime soon.

But I don't feel things in numbers.

I feel things in galaxies.

I feel everything, all at once, with everything that I have.

And I love her.
I love her in galaxies.

dance yourself clean.

My girlfriend keeps pointing out that I haven't written in my blog in a while, that I haven't taken pictures in a while. I haven't finished my book. It's things like this that remind me just how special she is. That not only is she interested in what I have to say and do, but that she wants to make sure that I keep at things that make me happy. Things that I do for me. Because, sometimes, I do put these things to rest, as it's documented right here on this blog. 

Honestly, I write the most when I'm not happy, when I'm sad, or when something is weighing so heavily on me that there is nothing that I can do but write to release that pressure. When something pivotal that tests me is happening. These are the times I write the most. Which led me to the realization, that I already knew, but it really set in just how happy I am.

This weekend was really momentous. All day Thursday at work, my stomach was in knots and I was anxious and nervous, like I was getting ready for a first date. Katheryn was being weird and I just had this feeling that she was going to come see me, but at the same time, I kept telling myself that there was no way. It hit 5:00 and my friend text me that she was here to pick me up, but when I walked outside I saw Katheryn's car. I just started shaking my head, because I couldn't believe that she was here. I couldn't believe that this woman had been planning this with my friend, that she wanted to drive 300 miles on her only days off to come and see me. She opened the door and her long legs hit the ground. She looked fucking beautiful. I just hugged her and kissed her, I missed her so much. She opened the back door and pulled out large, bright sunflowers. My favorite, and they were the best looking ones and they smelled so amazing. I couldn't believe that she was here. She told me that she came to tell me something.

Friday morning she drove me to work. It was so strange having her in my bed on a day that she shouldn't be. Being a part of my normal, everyday life. I remember looking at her in the car and just feeling so fucking overwhelmed. I laid my head on her shoulder and she wrapped her arms around my head and kissed my forehead and my heart just felt the fullest it's ever felt. Those small moments, you know, there's nothing bigger than that. 

That night we went to dinner and then to meet some friends. We parked, and she turned off the car. She looked at me and told me I was gorgeous, and like most moments with us, the world fell silent. She kissed me and in between she started to tell me what she came here for. "I came here to tell you, that I've fallen in love with you." I couldn't speak. She told me that she knew the first time she saw me, and our first date. I didn't tell her, but I knew too. I knew that morning when she took me to work. I felt it when I visited her in Houston and sat across from her at the coffee shop, and watched her drink her latte and read the paper, and how ever detail about her, every small, tiny, intricate detail about her from the inside out was everything I never even knew I wanted, everything I ever dreamed and things that I couldn't possibly even dream of because I didn't know their perfection. There was ink on her fingers, and she looked up and smiled, and I felt it. 

We cuddled all that night in our sleep. She left that morning before 8 AM. We were so tired and our goodbye was made of sleepy eyes and little brain function. By the end of the day, I hit a wall. The distance of our relationship really fucking sunk it. The reality of it all. The reality that this is it. This will be it, and it's not changing. Not anytime soon. That the woman that I love lives in a different city. Saying those words out loud, saying them made it real. And everything sunk in, and I haven't been able to really feel better. I'll see her in a little over a week, for a day and a half. I'll see her that next weekend for a week long trip, and I can't even fathom what it will be like to have so many days with her. I can't help but think of what that goodbye will be like, because every moment I'm with her, I fall more in love with her, and how am I supposed to say goodbye after 7 whole days of falling in love with her?

So, that's why I took pictures last night. Because there's nothing like a hot shower when you're down and out. There's nothing like the water meeting that of your eyes, because there's something so much more than cleaning the dirt of off your skin, washing off all of your makeup, being naked and vulnerable. It's a therapy, it's your time to think and be alone with your body. They always make me feel better in a way, they at least let me think, get my head straight, but I don't feel much better. I've never been in a relationship where the simple things aren't so simple, because the simple things are my favorite, and it's not fair that I can't have her over to cook dinner with and watch a movie and fall asleep halfway through because I'm so comfortable in her arms. Or take her on a date, or just lay around on a couch with her. Or just drop by her work and see her for just a second, just a second because that's all I need to feel better about anything bad that might be happening in my day. I know we can make it work, because even so far away, I feel her more than I've ever felt anyone that's tangible in my day to day. 

Sometimes I still have to take a second and remind myself that Katheryn is real, and that she loves me. She loves me. I can't believe it, but I'm glad she does, and how can I be sad when I know this?

four walls and adobe slats.

I moved into my apartment at the end on January 31st of this year. 

This apartment has been a fucking disaster from the first day. The building was in an awful state compared to when I went to look at it. My A/C and heater didn't work, I didn't have any gas, therefore no hot water, and my landlord and maintenance man were almost useless. I couldn't live in my apartment until the end of February. Once I moved in, the other problems became apparent. The apartment hadn't been cleaned and the previous tenants were filthy. Lights were broken, windows didn't have screens, I can hear EVERYTHING from my neighbors below, the back stairs are unsafe, etc etc. My A/C wasn't even fixed until it started getting hotter back in March. Now, I hear mice in the walls, or something, and I've talked to my landlord and I'm moving out, after four months. I'll be leaving in July, I'd be leaving regardless, but an opportunity to live with my dear, dear friend, Shella has come up, and it couldn't be more perfect.

Despite all of these problems and this fucking death house apartment, there is something about this place that I will always hold so close to me. I want to spend my last months documenting myself in this place. Before I moved into this apartment, I was in an awful state, within myself. So the shitty place actually allowed me to get in a better place mentally and emotionally. The best place. And, I have this shithole to thank for it. Granted, this apartment has some charming qualities, once you look past all of the dirt and cracks and smells and sounds.

I was in an unhealthy relationship for 3 years. 3 years that peaked when we met and gradually went downhill until we were both at rock bottom, me more so than her. There were ups and downs, but the ups were downs, and there were never really ups anyway. It's so strange, the situations you put yourself into, making things your "reality", so much so that it seems like there can be nothing else when everything is always right there at your fingertips, you just have to make that small move, and then everything comes crashing in waves, and nothing is the same at all, everything, every single thing is different, but this core of you, this core of you that is always there even when absolutely nothing is the same.

I forgot about the core of me. I forgot about me in general. And it showed. Getting out of that relationship, moving into this fucking place, living on my own, just me and my dog, surrounded by my own things, being alone, I will always love this fucking apartment. I will always love it. I will always remember it.

I haven't felt this good since the summer of 2007, the summer when all felt right, when I felt fucking right, when I had this family of friends and genuine happiness.

Getting into my new place, within, allowed me to open back up all these friendship I pushed away because of my last relationship. Everything that I pushed away, I even pushed myself away. I got it all back, plus, in this apartment. Getting into a healthy state, a happy state, also allowed me to meet Katheryn, and I will forever be eternally grateful for that. She has changed my life, my mindset, my view on the world in more ways that I have ever imagined anyone doing so.

This apartment birthed our relationship, the first time we slept in the same bed, the first time we made love, where she asked me to be hers. This apartment is sacred, and I will always love this piece of shit.

Here's to even more changes, constant beginnings.

cool kids belong together.

Katheryn came to see me this weekend.

Yesterday she asked me to be her girlfriend.

What a dream.


___________________________________________________________________

Last night Katheryn made dinner.
Vegetarian tacos, and they were glorious. We ate them to Amelie.
After dinner we cuddled and stared at each other, told each other stories, laughed, giggled, made fun of each other. She started to ask me something about coming to see her in Houston and stopped herself. She started blushing and I could feel the heat from her cheeks. After about 20 minutes she asked me,
"When you come to Houston and you meet my friends, and Daria, can I introduce you as my girlfriend?"
Yes, yes you can.

It was the cutest, most perfect moment.

I said, "so you're my girlfriend?" and we both smiled, and I felt like the happiest woman on the planet. Then we shotgunned Shiner's in my kitchen, and basically, Katheryn is my match.

I can't wait for this new life, where everything feels like a dream.

the skin i'm in.

I took these self portraits on Friday, 3/28. It's a pretty big step for me, to have these pictures, these pictures in my underwear. Something that I pushed myself to do, why I take self portraits in the first place. To many, self portraiture may seem vain and narcissistic, but for me, it's quite the opposite. No, for me, it's therapy. It's a way to give back to myself, to push myself, to become comfortable in myself. All my life I have struggled with insecurity, body shaming myself, being self conscious. It's something that has been improving over time, and self portraiture has become a small remedy for that. Standing in front of the camera, letting it capture all of my flaws, seeing these flaws, and embracing myself. Seeing myself as the world sees me and not this idea of myself that I have in my head. Being comfortable with what I have, because, it's all I have and it's not going to change. This is who I am right now, in this point in time, this is what I look like. There's not use in hating myself, or not believe people when they call me beautiful, I have to believe it.

So, I did it. I took these pictures. I took these pictures to show myself that it's okay. That maybe I can be beautiful the way that I am, today.

Because lately, I am feeling more beautiful with these bones. In this skin, and everything that comes with it. I have Katheryn to thank for that also. It's nice to have someone around you, who looks at you in such a way where you have no choice but to believe them, you can see it in their eyes, feel it in their touch, feel it everywhere.

Featuring: Bubba Moonbeam. Be the person your dog thinks you are.

All photos taken with Canon EOS Rebel 350D.

at the hop.

This past weekend, my favorite humans ventured into my city of Dallas. Katheryn hailing from Houston and Ruben, coincidentally on the same weekend, from Kansas City.

So, we made Saturday the greatest, most wonderful, double date day of all time, as Ruben brought his boyfriend Derrick with him. Which, is a rare treat.

The day started off with Ruben picking us up and heading to Cosmic Cafe, eating my favorite foods and drinking bottomless coffee. We all laughed and got to know each other better, and it was perfect. Afterwards, we headed to Fort Worth to check out the Modern Art Museum and the Kimbell Art Museum. We spent a lot of time at the modern because no one had been but me. 

Above you can see Derek walking across Carl Andre's sculpture, Slit (1981). This was a big deal for Derek as he explained (I'm extremely paraphrasing here) that it is meant to be walked across, but you also feel like you shouldn't. We watched and some people didn't even know it existed. And, here you have Derek wanting me to capture the moment because it was a big deal to him. Beautiful.

(The artwork in the back of Derek is Dark Blue Panel, Dark Green Panel, Red Panel, by Ellsworth Kelly, 1986.)

The most intriguing art to me was an exhibition of Fred Tomaselli. His collages were so intricate and breathtaking. I can only wish that I owned his artwork.

We walked around holding hands and discussing the pieces, Derek and Ruben both art students, Katheryn and I both passionate. It was splendid. The Kimbell was quite different. We caught it 30 minutes from close. They have so many original paintings, and while there I was very inspired to start a photo series of the guest of museums, Museum Dwellers. For this, I'd like to use my TLR, so it may happen in the future.

Afterwards we headed to Good Records to kill time before was saw the new Wes, Grand Budapest Hotel. Katheryn and Ruben geeked out and bought a handful of albums, and Derek and I strolled about pausing to kiss our lovers from time to time. 

Next was Paciugo and then the film. 

I wish I could lie and say that I loved the film, but I didn't. It was beautiful. It seems as though Wes' budget continues to increase, so therefore, it was stunning. The main characters were absolutely charming. It's just, there were a handful of things that I didn't like. Some of the characters were never fully developed to my liking. The story ended quite abruptly, and depressing. However, I also do this thing where I anticipate greatness and that leaves me to be displeased by my own faults. Who knows. I would still recommend it.

Isn't Katheryn beautiful?

The rest of the night was spent having Shiner with some friends, playing Catchphrase and card games and passing out early in the morning.

Needless to say, the rest of the weekend was even more magic than this day.

All photos taken with my Canon EOS digital Rebel 350D.

Well, well, well. Hasn't it been a hot minute since my poor canon has seen the lights of day.

To be precise, it has been since 2013 that I have taken any self portraits, or even photographs on my canon at all. Luckily, I haven't been completely useless and have still been venturing around with my Polaroid or Instax, or sometimes both, hanging from my shoulder. My iphone has been a trusty substitute.

Honestly, my life has been moving at a hyper-speed that I'm not quite used to. It all began with stretching my social butterfly wings as I had been locked away, avoiding friends to avoid conflict, to avoid anything, I guess. This whole new lease on life, unleashed on me and I have been quite frivolous and probably a little too social for anyone's good, especially mine, but I won't take back anything at all, because it has been magic and brought back this thirst for life, and led me to meet my muse, Katheryn.

Her face will be gracing this blog soon, I'm sure. However, not as often as I'd like as she and I are getting ourselves into one those long distance romances. Which, considering our sentiment and intellect find this rather romantic, for now. I can't wait to send her cute things in the real mail, and anticipate the days leading up to her receiving packages because life is all about instant gratification these days, and we forget what its like to wait on a package, to wait for a sweet reaction from a beautiful girl, to wait to see your significant other, the yearning, the build up, it's all so much magic.

So, here is to me, being back to me. To this beautiful self that was lost for a while, but is back, and motivated and ready to keep improving and constantly striving to better myself, and to this life with this new light.

Pictures taken with my Canon EOS Digital Rebel 350D, on the balcony of my apartment I'm learning to love.