Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Flashing back to my first ever self portraits on my Canon.
Because, why not?

My life has been in such a quarter-life-crisis, nearing my 25th birthday. You know, people always say that birthday effects you, and my 24 and previous years self, replied with, "oh no, not me."

Well, hello, here is the (almost) 25th me. And I am experiencing the latter. To me, I thought what these quarter-lifer's were trying to explain to me, as some sort of mental collapse, some sort of breakdown, weeping at the fact of growing older and all of that surface level bullshit. 

Which, is still not me.

However, I'm still having these weird, "I'm turning 25" thoughts and realizations and I've found myself in this constant state of making these short term goals with this deep, embedded feeling of sticking to them for once in my 25 year old life.

I've been sticking to my running regime sans this past weekend when I went to Houston, but I'm in a long distance relationship, so I take that time off if I want to take that time off. Another thing I realized all of the other times that I have tried to stick to my running schedule, if I somehow am off a day, I beat myself up. But, life happens, and when I'm hard on myself, I'm more likely to quit.


K and I talked about my running goals, my fitness/health/life goals in the very near future. We talked about living together. We talked about a lot of things, and oh how nice and refreshing it is to have a partner (key work, partner) who supports you and makes you feel like you can do anything, I just might fucking stick to something for once.

But when it comes down to it, any change has to start as mental. Making that mental fucking decision, that little switch in your brain that turns your current lifestyle into something else. 

Tonight is Week 2, Day 2.
Tonight is more packing. I am moving into my new house Thursday, or sometime this weekend because you know, it's time. I've already gotten rid of so many things, and that's always this really nice little feeling. It's all baggage really. It's all stuff. 

I'm not normally one to plan for the ~future~ and all, but now that I am this 25 year old ADULT, I guess things change. I am making PLANS, who am I? I am making goals. And goals that are realistic and possibly achievable. WHO KNEW.

I have my girlfriend, and friends who are making these changes in their lives. Who see this thing, or things, that they want, and they just go for them, you know? That's what I want, that's what I'm working towards.

Currently, working on getting a small student loan. The student loan will subsidized so it will benefit me in the following ways -

1. I can pay for school and go back this fall.
2. I will use extra money to pay off the rest of my surcharges to get a car and have my LIFE back.
3. The loan will my *credit*, which is needed.

This already gives me that big boost for LIFE.

Also, for the first time, I am considering moving to Houston after my new lease is up at the end of January.
Long distance isn't for me and I'd like to be closer to my closest.
Also, a change of scenery might be just what I need. Not to mention the fact that I could find a job way faster in Houston, and also maybe THE JOB. The career that I want, not just a job.

SO, exciting stuff happening guys.

Here's to running a 5K in October, getting my legal fees paid off, getting back in school, and getting a fresh-bright-and-shiny start to my 25th year of life.

Friday, July 18, 2014


These are the last few weeks in my apartment.
It's bittersweet, really. 
My apartment is my place to escape, it's my space and only my space.
These days, I'm constantly on the move, I wake up early to get ready for my commute, I work all day, I commute all the way back home, I take care of my my pups, and then my friends seem to occupy up the only hours that I have left of my day.
I have this strong, family of friends. It's something that I've missed having, that closeness, having dinners together, sharing secrets, sharing lives.
But, sometimes, it's all too much, and I just need that time for myself.
Which, will become less once I move into my house.
Two bedrooms, one bathroom, three girls.
We have the same schedule, really, so it should be interesting.
I'm making these goals now:

1. Make time for myself.
2. Start my running routine back up and train for a 5K in October.
3. Finish a book by the end of the month.
4. Carry my camera with me everywhere, document everything.
5. Clean eating.
6. Find a new, better paying, happier job by September.
7. Start school in Spring.

Now that I'm nearing 25, I've been having a slight quarter-life crisis.
I'm seeing my friends grow up and I'm seeing my life stay stagnant.
I'm constantly dreaming of this life I want, but how can that become a reality if I don't start making these changes. The fucking cliche, life is what you make it, is a cliche for a reason.
No one controls your life BUT YOU, nothing controls your life BUT YOU. 
I need to quit dreaming, thinking, waiting, and I need to DO.

Here's to big changes.