Friday, December 13, 2013

the importance of music

It's unbelievable sometimes how much music affects your life. I mean, obviously music is made to please you, to give you something easy to listen to, to make you want to dance, to make you feel something. But, the weight of it sometimes in overwhelming.

At the end of October my long-term girlfriend and I split up.
That next week I found out my aunt had cancer. My aunt who has always been like a mom to me.
Three weeks later, and she passed away. 
It's fucking insane how in one month, your whole life can change in just about every way.

My girlfriend, our cute house, her dog, that life is gone.
My aunt, she's gone.
Everything is changing and I'm left to build this new life.

It's this insane transition and it has definitely had it's downs, but it also has its ups. It's like the fucking strings of time have wrapped themselves around like FUCKING WAKE UP AND DO SOMETHING MORE WITH YOUR LIFE.

So, that's what I'm doing. I'm doing something for me for fucking once. I'm doing this for my aunt because the final words I heard her say were that she wanted to make sure I was taken care of. It was the first time she cried, and we always meant to so much to each other. Always will. I will make sure that I'm taken care of.

The point of this post - Throughout every transition I have been through so far in my life, it's almost like the music has taken a more important role. Like a soundtrack, and when I hear the music of my  past endeavors the nostalgia is almost too much to bare, and I am rushed back to those moments, and I feel it all.

When I moved out of my parents house the moment I turned 18. I got this cute apartment and my best friend told me to buy Objects of my Affection by Peter Bjorn & John. I played that album as long as it could go while decorating and building this new home, becoming an adult, this fucking freedom that I had never felt, that first taste of it. It was summer and I had all of my friends and I was dating and I was figuring out my sexuality. That album forever feels like the beginning of the rest of my life.

And now.

The album that has serenaded and guided me through this transition is Cupid Deluxe by Blood Orange. I have always obsessed over his older music, and the tracks he writes and produces for other artists. Basically anything he touches is gold. His new album dropped around the same time that my life as I knew it changed. And I can't fucking ever put into words. All his songs. The lyrics. The jazzy 80's pop sound. It's too much. I take hot baths and put on his songs and it's like everything that is complete shit doesn't exist for a second, and honestly, things don't feel like complete shit anymore when I return back to reality. It's absolutely perfect. Even my two best friends, when I try and explain it to them, how this album has aided me throughout all of these changes, they listen to it and they tell me, I can see why. 

I must have this on vinyl.
I must have the new King Krule on vinyl.
I must have Tender Opposites by TOPS on vinyl.

This is an important list.

Listen to your music guys. Really, really listen.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

a future eulogy, or something.

i feel as though i have run into a few epiphanies today. simple, yet intense self revelations.

since this weekend i have been in this weird, autopilot, limbo that i can't seem to shake. i find that sleeping is becoming difficult lately and i can't put my finger on it and i'm just thrown around about my day and i have no time to really even wrap my head around it like i normally. to sit down and just fucking write and get my brain sorted out from all of it's constant tangling.

this path month has been a fucking whirlwind. my whole life has changed almost completely and i haven't had a chance to really sit back and soak it up, i'm just going with it and trying not fall on my face.

my girlfriend of three years and i broke up. let me tell you those first few weeks were probably the most intense weeks i have experienced since i can remember something that really tested my strength and will. i have never, ever been through something like this. it was the most adult, amicable, mature, wonderful breakup, or just about anything that i have ever experienced. it was everything that anyone could ever dream a perfect breakup to be, that it almost made it...okay. i won't delve into it too much because despite the fact that i don't think anyone reads this, i don't like putting too much of my personal life out there into the internet world, or even my real life world for that matter. we are still great friends and i still admire the shit out of her and am thankful for every moment spent, even the bad ones as i know that i would not be where i am today if it was not for her. she is a beautiful human being and i am lucky to even know her, and even luckier to have been able to love her and be loved by her. to be able to spend nights with her and have her by my side in very stressful, upsetting moments in my life. nothing will ever compare to our story, and i know that we will always be in each other's lives, and i am thankful for that daily. it has truly been a dream.

today i sit here and i think about my life, at 24 years of age. how 2013 is coming to a close and how i am not where i pictured myself to be, however, i never really though about my future too much when i was younger. i am one of those live-in-the-moment-ers and i found myself stuck in a whirlwind of peer pressure and whiskey for a year there. 

today, honestly, i am proud of being where i am. i could write all day about the things that i have been through the last few years of my life. but, i won't. as much as in the moment person that i am, i am also always moving forward.

this morning i laid in bed, i woke up late for work as i've been having crazy dreams and weird sleeping patterns. i was upset that i woke up late. then i thought, well hey you pressed that snooze button seventeen times. 

that's when it hit.

god damn i'm tired of being late. okay, well then don't. wake up earlier.
i'm so sick of not putting effort into my appearance anymore. okay, so then do it.
goodness, i want to get fit. okay so fucking eat better and exercise.

everything that i want, i am fully capable of. i just need to fucking do it.

this has been a pattern in my life of not sticking to things.
then another pattern of being too fucking hard on myself.

i didn't stick to my 365, but there was also a death in my family.
i don't need to kick myself when i'm down because i barely stuck to this. 

i have taken more pictures in the last few weeks than i have in months, and i will continue to.

i have been having these dreams where i am pregnant, and as someone who never wanted kids, it has left me confused in my waking life. this weird lucid dream and constant thought that my body is telling me i'm pregnant.

i looked to my friend and she told me that these dream translate into this intense desire to create.
to fucking create.

i think it boils down to me being hard on myself for not taking pictures the last week. for not writing in ages. 

i'm just sitting around waiting for this change, and all i have to do is simply...change.


these constant revelations that need to become a reality.

it's time to make this next year the year where everything comes together.

Thursday, December 5, 2013


despite the obvious death in my family. i have been feeling so great lately.

i've come back into my own. in a relationship with myself. growing stronger, more confident, driven, passionate and ready to grab my life by the tits.

i'm excited for the future. i'm excited to make my life what i've wanted it to be.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

3/365-10/365. currently.

 Took an outtake from an old 365 to make up for the days lost.

my aunt died on wednesday, the next day in my 365. i didn't have any desire to do anything, then i went out of town, left my camera due to a preoccupied mind and my 365 fell short. came home last night and attempted to sleep. back on it today.

 another oldie. we've seen this one before.

 an outtake from one of my favorite self portrait therapy sessions.
 thanksgiving day. i took my dogs to the park. it was lovely out.

 another gem from thanksgiving. the fall colors are so vibrant, i mean how could you not?

 i always love finding feathers. even though i know that they're disgusting, i can't help but always pick them up and twirl them around in my hand.

 i always find smoke so beautiful.

all caught up. my mom's home looks like a swanky brothel.