the importance of music

It's unbelievable sometimes how much music affects your life. I mean, obviously music is made to please you, to give you something easy to listen to, to make you want to dance, to make you feel something. But, the weight of it sometimes in overwhelming.

At the end of October my long-term girlfriend and I split up.

That next week I found out my aunt had cancer. My aunt who has always been like a mom to me.

Three weeks later, and she passed away. 

It's fucking insane how in one month, your whole life can change in just about every way.

My girlfriend, our cute house, her dog, that life is gone.

My aunt, she's gone.

Everything is changing and I'm left to build this new life.

It's this insane transition and it has definitely had it's downs, but it also has its ups. It's like the fucking strings of time have wrapped themselves around like FUCKING WAKE UP AND DO SOMETHING MORE WITH YOUR LIFE.

So, that's what I'm doing. I'm doing something for me for fucking once. I'm doing this for my aunt because the final words I heard her say were that she wanted to make sure I was taken care of. It was the first time she cried, and we always meant to so much to each other. Always will. I will make sure that I'm taken care of.

The point of this post - Throughout every transition I have been through so far in my life, it's almost like the music has taken a more important role. Like a soundtrack, and when I hear the music of my  past endeavors the nostalgia is almost too much to bare, and I am rushed back to those moments, and I feel it all.

When I moved out of my parents house the moment I turned 18. I got this cute apartment and my best friend told me to buy Objects of my Affection by Peter Bjorn & John. I played that album as long as it could go while decorating and building this new home, becoming an adult, this fucking freedom that I had never felt, that first taste of it. It was summer and I had all of my friends and I was dating and I was figuring out my sexuality. That album forever feels like the beginning of the rest of my life.

And now.

The album that has serenaded and guided me through this transition is Cupid Deluxe by Blood Orange. I have always obsessed over his older music, and the tracks he writes and produces for other artists. Basically anything he touches is gold. His new album dropped around the same time that my life as I knew it changed. And I can't fucking ever put into words. All his songs. The lyrics. The jazzy 80's pop sound. It's too much. I take hot baths and put on his songs and it's like everything that is complete shit doesn't exist for a second, and honestly, things don't feel like complete shit anymore when I return back to reality. It's absolutely perfect. Even my two best friends, when I try and explain it to them, how this album has aided me throughout all of these changes, they listen to it and they tell me, I can see why. 

I must have this on vinyl.

I must have the new King Krule on vinyl.

I must have Tender Opposites by TOPS on vinyl.

This is an important list.

Listen to your music guys. Really, really listen.

a future eulogy, or something.

i feel as though i have run into a few epiphanies today. simple, yet intense self revelations.

since this weekend i have been in this weird, autopilot, limbo that i can't seem to shake. i find that sleeping is becoming difficult lately and i can't put my finger on it and i'm just thrown around about my day and i have no time to really even wrap my head around it like i normally. to sit down and just fucking write and get my brain sorted out from all of it's constant tangling.

this path month has been a fucking whirlwind. my whole life has changed almost completely and i haven't had a chance to really sit back and soak it up, i'm just going with it and trying not fall on my face.

my girlfriend of three years and i broke up. let me tell you those first few weeks were probably the most intense weeks i have experienced since i can remember something that really tested my strength and will. i have never, ever been through something like this. it was the most adult, amicable, mature, wonderful breakup, or just about anything that i have ever experienced. it was everything that anyone could ever dream a perfect breakup to be, that it almost made it...okay. i won't delve into it too much because despite the fact that i don't think anyone reads this, i don't like putting too much of my personal life out there into the internet world, or even my real life world for that matter. we are still great friends and i still admire the shit out of her and am thankful for every moment spent, even the bad ones as i know that i would not be where i am today if it was not for her. she is a beautiful human being and i am lucky to even know her, and even luckier to have been able to love her and be loved by her. to be able to spend nights with her and have her by my side in very stressful, upsetting moments in my life. nothing will ever compare to our story, and i know that we will always be in each other's lives, and i am thankful for that daily. it has truly been a dream.

today i sit here and i think about my life, at 24 years of age. how 2013 is coming to a close and how i am not where i pictured myself to be, however, i never really though about my future too much when i was younger. i am one of those live-in-the-moment-ers and i found myself stuck in a whirlwind of peer pressure and whiskey for a year there. 

today, honestly, i am proud of being where i am. i could write all day about the things that i have been through the last few years of my life. but, i won't. as much as in the moment person that i am, i am also always moving forward.

this morning i laid in bed, i woke up late for work as i've been having crazy dreams and weird sleeping patterns. i was upset that i woke up late. then i thought, well hey you pressed that snooze button seventeen times. 

that's when it hit.

god damn i'm tired of being late. okay, well then don't. wake up earlier.

i'm so sick of not putting effort into my appearance anymore. okay, so then do it.

goodness, i want to get fit. okay so fucking eat better and exercise.

everything that i want, i am fully capable of. i just need to fucking do it.

this has been a pattern in my life of not sticking to things.

then another pattern of being too fucking hard on myself.

i didn't stick to my 365, but there was also a death in my family.

i don't need to kick myself when i'm down because i barely stuck to this. 

i have taken more pictures in the last few weeks than i have in months, and i will continue to.

i have been having these dreams where i am pregnant, and as someone who never wanted kids, it has left me confused in my waking life. this weird lucid dream and constant thought that my body is telling me i'm pregnant.

i looked to my friend and she told me that these dream translate into this intense desire to create.

to fucking create.

i think it boils down to me being hard on myself for not taking pictures the last week. for not writing in ages. 

i'm just sitting around waiting for this change, and all i have to do is simply...change.

sincerely,

these constant revelations that need to become a reality.

it's time to make this next year the year where everything comes together.

11/365.

despite the obvious death in my family. i have been feeling so great lately.

i've come back into my own. in a relationship with myself. growing stronger, more confident, driven, passionate and ready to grab my life by the tits.

i'm excited for the future. i'm excited to make my life what i've wanted it to be.

3/365-10/365. currently.

3/365

 Took an outtake from an old 365 to make up for the days lost.

my aunt died on wednesday, the next day in my 365. i didn't have any desire to do anything, then i went out of town, left my camera due to a preoccupied mind and my 365 fell short. came home last night and attempted to sleep. back on it today.

4/365

 another oldie. we've seen this one before.

5/365

 an outtake from one of my favorite self portrait therapy sessions.

6/365

 thanksgiving day. i took my dogs to the park. it was lovely out.

7/365

 another gem from thanksgiving. the fall colors are so vibrant, i mean how could you not?

8/365

 i always love finding feathers. even though i know that they're disgusting, i can't help but always pick them up and twirl them around in my hand.

9/365

 i always find smoke so beautiful.

10/365

all caught up. my mom's home looks like a swanky brothel.

2/365. iden(titties)

2/365

Look at me sticking to something. Granted it's only day two.

all of my photographs last night were so boring. so picked this one and manipulated it into how i've been felling lately.

feeling like my old self, the strong, happy and light person that i used to be. she's creeping back, creeping back fast and all of the shit that piled up on me the last few years is being left in the dark.

cliche, but i feel pretty great.

images i decided not to use -

1/365.

here we go.

how soon is now?

Here are some snaps of me from this weekend that my friend took.

I got some really bad news today, and looking at this smile that was on my face just a few nights ago feels so foreign to me.

There is nothing that you can do in life but continue pushing through all the shit with the utmost morality and strength that you can muster.

self portrait therapy.

some much needed self portrait therapy.

my life is changing every day.
i am changing every day.

pass this on.

It's been ages since I've updated this blog. Which actually makes me a bit disappointed! But, hey! Who has time for negative feelings?

I would do an instagram dump, but that would be a intensely picture heavy post. So, here is a picture of Tori and I this weekend from Index Fest and a picture of how long my hair has gotten. It was the first time I straightened it in months, and I couldn't believe how long it got!

Index Fest was the tits +. The first night was a bit off kilter. It was rushed and we got there and late and left after Andrew Bird's set.

The next night, though. Oh, the next night. I lost my ID, so I had to get X's. I was getting cash out of the ATM, and Warpaint walked passed! They had all of their instruments, so I didn't want to be that bitch that stops them, and their set was starting in a few minutes. But, it was awesome nonetheless.

Their show was great, and they are all so beautiful and wonderful.

We wandered around a bit. I washed my X's and took Tori's wristband. We got some drinks and watched the show inside. The band was Dark Rooms and they were great.

Girl Talk. Fucking Girl Talk. PHENOMENAL. It was a giant dance party and took up the whole lot! Ugh. I can't describe. The big, huge, bright spotlights they had the whole time. The giant beach balls going about the crowd. Confetti blasters! Paper rolls thrown in the air. It was amazing. I will never forget. And his energy on stage... It was the best. The whole bit.

Anyway. I've been so busy at work. I only have two classes, but I wait until the last minute and then I get swamped. I've had lots of things to take care of this month and with Tori also being so busy with school, time has been flying by at a speed that is unreal. I can't believe Halloween is a week away!

I've been being more social, and that's good. I hope to keep it up. I've been sewing. I made this ugly dress the other weekend -

When my grandpa passed away this summer, I took this shirt from his closet. I wanted to be able to wear it all the time and think about him. So I made it into a little, ugly mini dress. I had this collar accessory that I never wore, so I cut it up and put it on here. I am going to work with a bit more before I start wearing it more.

Tori left this AM for Kentucky for Print. She will be back Saturday. So I am making a personal goal to take pictures every night this week...except as I'm typing this I realize that I left my camera at home in a the scurry of this morning.

But, be on the lookout! Good things to come. I can feel it. More sewing. More painting, etc.

Until then.

xx

insta insta insta

My little moonbeam always wants to play. He'll come and just sit that rope right in my lap, like HI MOM.

I can't get over these flower details on papelook. Just sharing our cute instants from Austin.

Just a tattoo appreciation post. We got these in Austin. Of course mine is Radiohead lyrics. Tori got the 7 little x's from Scott Pilgrim.

Moonbeam staring out the window in Austin waiting for his other mama to come back with coffee and puppacino's!

My best friend stopped into town on his way home from his internship in Sante Fe back to KC. We went and ate pho and then to see Blue Jasmine. It was mediocre but Cate Blanchette was phenomenal. I didn't think she could impress me more than she already had, but I was wrong. She's great.

Some flowers my coworkers got me for my birthday.

I'm always showing up late with Starbucks, but at least I'm wearing a cute pinafore.

Taking up all the seats on the bus on my birthday.

When I was a babe, always pimpin.

Some breakfast I made my Tor before work one morning.

Cheating on Starbucks, but how can you say no to crushed ice and cute daisy cups?

Some new glasses I purchased.

Man oh man it has been a while since I posted my instagram pictures. I have made quite a few videos, but they don't post so nicely, so I've left them out. Feel free to follow my instagram @francesscacope.

Things were getting pretty routine and nice, and my birthday threw everything off. I fell off my nice diet and exercise routine pretty hard.

Austin was great. It was so nice having the boys with us, and taking them all around town. We went kayaking, and ate at a bunch of good restaurants, got tattoos, the whole bit. Soon we'll live there, and the hopefully goodbye to Texas for forever.

Things just keep getting better and better and looking up. Tori is making great, huge steps at school. I'm getting my basics finished up, and might be headed for a promotion at work. The house is getting homey-er every weekend. We have a great group of people in our lives, and I just feel so content lately, just simply happy.

I hope things stay this way.

Tori and I are coming up on our three year anniversary. I won't write here what I am thinking about getting her as she might see it, but I've had the idea for months and months.

I know I haven't done a proper post in a while, but soon I will.

Until then.

xx

keep austin weird.

Babe and I went to Austin for my birthday weekend.

I took time off of work and we went kayaking, and walked the dogs all over town and ate a lot of meals outside. We got a bit day drunk and bought too much candy, and got tattoos.

It was perfect.