Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Flashing back to my first ever self portraits on my Canon.
Because, why not?

My life has been in such a quarter-life-crisis, nearing my 25th birthday. You know, people always say that birthday effects you, and my 24 and previous years self, replied with, "oh no, not me."

Well, hello, here is the (almost) 25th me. And I am experiencing the latter. To me, I thought what these quarter-lifer's were trying to explain to me, as some sort of mental collapse, some sort of breakdown, weeping at the fact of growing older and all of that surface level bullshit. 

Which, is still not me.

However, I'm still having these weird, "I'm turning 25" thoughts and realizations and I've found myself in this constant state of making these short term goals with this deep, embedded feeling of sticking to them for once in my 25 year old life.

I've been sticking to my running regime sans this past weekend when I went to Houston, but I'm in a long distance relationship, so I take that time off if I want to take that time off. Another thing I realized all of the other times that I have tried to stick to my running schedule, if I somehow am off a day, I beat myself up. But, life happens, and when I'm hard on myself, I'm more likely to quit.


K and I talked about my running goals, my fitness/health/life goals in the very near future. We talked about living together. We talked about a lot of things, and oh how nice and refreshing it is to have a partner (key work, partner) who supports you and makes you feel like you can do anything, I just might fucking stick to something for once.

But when it comes down to it, any change has to start as mental. Making that mental fucking decision, that little switch in your brain that turns your current lifestyle into something else. 

Tonight is Week 2, Day 2.
Tonight is more packing. I am moving into my new house Thursday, or sometime this weekend because you know, it's time. I've already gotten rid of so many things, and that's always this really nice little feeling. It's all baggage really. It's all stuff. 

I'm not normally one to plan for the ~future~ and all, but now that I am this 25 year old ADULT, I guess things change. I am making PLANS, who am I? I am making goals. And goals that are realistic and possibly achievable. WHO KNEW.

I have my girlfriend, and friends who are making these changes in their lives. Who see this thing, or things, that they want, and they just go for them, you know? That's what I want, that's what I'm working towards.

Currently, working on getting a small student loan. The student loan will subsidized so it will benefit me in the following ways -

1. I can pay for school and go back this fall.
2. I will use extra money to pay off the rest of my surcharges to get a car and have my LIFE back.
3. The loan will my *credit*, which is needed.

This already gives me that big boost for LIFE.

Also, for the first time, I am considering moving to Houston after my new lease is up at the end of January.
Long distance isn't for me and I'd like to be closer to my closest.
Also, a change of scenery might be just what I need. Not to mention the fact that I could find a job way faster in Houston, and also maybe THE JOB. The career that I want, not just a job.

SO, exciting stuff happening guys.

Here's to running a 5K in October, getting my legal fees paid off, getting back in school, and getting a fresh-bright-and-shiny start to my 25th year of life.

Friday, July 18, 2014


These are the last few weeks in my apartment.
It's bittersweet, really. 
My apartment is my place to escape, it's my space and only my space.
These days, I'm constantly on the move, I wake up early to get ready for my commute, I work all day, I commute all the way back home, I take care of my my pups, and then my friends seem to occupy up the only hours that I have left of my day.
I have this strong, family of friends. It's something that I've missed having, that closeness, having dinners together, sharing secrets, sharing lives.
But, sometimes, it's all too much, and I just need that time for myself.
Which, will become less once I move into my house.
Two bedrooms, one bathroom, three girls.
We have the same schedule, really, so it should be interesting.
I'm making these goals now:

1. Make time for myself.
2. Start my running routine back up and train for a 5K in October.
3. Finish a book by the end of the month.
4. Carry my camera with me everywhere, document everything.
5. Clean eating.
6. Find a new, better paying, happier job by September.
7. Start school in Spring.

Now that I'm nearing 25, I've been having a slight quarter-life crisis.
I'm seeing my friends grow up and I'm seeing my life stay stagnant.
I'm constantly dreaming of this life I want, but how can that become a reality if I don't start making these changes. The fucking cliche, life is what you make it, is a cliche for a reason.
No one controls your life BUT YOU, nothing controls your life BUT YOU. 
I need to quit dreaming, thinking, waiting, and I need to DO.

Here's to big changes.


Friday, June 13, 2014

highway revisited

Today, the 300 miles between my girlfriend and I feel as heavy as the asphalt used to travel them.
Today, these 300 miles are as overwhelming as the hours used to fulfill them.
A round trip equivalent to a day of work that we can't seem to get out of.
A visit four times a month, if I'm lucky.
A visit a day at a time with weeks in between.
And everything is in numbers.
Miles, hours, day, weeks, months.
And how is that when we are together numbers don't exist?
And how am I supposed to adjust back to reality?
And the reality is just that - this is it.
That all of these numbers aren't changing anytime soon.
But I don't feel things in numbers.
I feel things in galaxies.
I feel everything, all at once, with everything that I have.
And I love her.
I love her in galaxies.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

dance yourself clean.

My girlfriend keeps pointing out that I haven't written in my blog in a while, that I haven't taken pictures in a while. I haven't finished my book. It's things like this that remind me just how special she is. That not only is she interested in what I have to say and do, but that she wants to make sure that I keep at things that make me happy. Things that I do for me. Because, sometimes, I do put these things to rest, as it's documented right here on this blog. 

Honestly, I write the most when I'm not happy, when I'm sad, or when something is weighing so heavily on me that there is nothing that I can do but write to release that pressure. When something pivotal that tests me is happening. These are the times I write the most. Which led me to the realization, that I already knew, but it really set in just how happy I am.

This weekend was really momentous. All day Thursday at work, my stomach was in knots and I was anxious and nervous, like I was getting ready for a first date. Katheryn was being weird and I just had this feeling that she was going to come see me, but at the same time, I kept telling myself that there was no way. It hit 5:00 and my friend text me that she was here to pick me up, but when I walked outside I saw Katheryn's car. I just started shaking my head, because I couldn't believe that she was here. I couldn't believe that this woman had been planning this with my friend, that she wanted to drive 300 miles on her only days off to come and see me. She opened the door and her long legs hit the ground. She looked fucking beautiful. I just hugged her and kissed her, I missed her so much. She opened the back door and pulled out large, bright sunflowers. My favorite, and they were the best looking ones and they smelled so amazing. I couldn't believe that she was here. She told me that she came to tell me something.

Friday morning she drove me to work. It was so strange having her in my bed on a day that she shouldn't be. Being a part of my normal, everyday life. I remember looking at her in the car and just feeling so fucking overwhelmed. I laid my head on her shoulder and she wrapped her arms around my head and kissed my forehead and my heart just felt the fullest it's ever felt. Those small moments, you know, there's nothing bigger than that. 

That night we went to dinner and then to meet some friends. We parked, and she turned off the car. She looked at me and told me I was gorgeous, and like most moments with us, the world fell silent. She kissed me and in between she started to tell me what she came here for. "I came here to tell you, that I've fallen in love with you." I couldn't speak. She told me that she knew the first time she saw me, and our first date. I didn't tell her, but I knew too. I knew that morning when she took me to work. I felt it when I visited her in Houston and sat across from her at the coffee shop, and watched her drink her latte and read the paper, and how ever detail about her, every small, tiny, intricate detail about her from the inside out was everything I never even knew I wanted, everything I ever dreamed and things that I couldn't possibly even dream of because I didn't know their perfection. There was ink on her fingers, and she looked up and smiled, and I felt it. 

We cuddled all that night in our sleep. She left that morning before 8 AM. We were so tired and our goodbye was made of sleepy eyes and little brain function. By the end of the day, I hit a wall. The distance of our relationship really fucking sunk it. The reality of it all. The reality that this is it. This will be it, and it's not changing. Not anytime soon. That the woman that I love lives in a different city. Saying those words out loud, saying them made it real. And everything sunk in, and I haven't been able to really feel better. I'll see her in a little over a week, for a day and a half. I'll see her that next weekend for a week long trip, and I can't even fathom what it will be like to have so many days with her. I can't help but think of what that goodbye will be like, because every moment I'm with her, I fall more in love with her, and how am I supposed to say goodbye after 7 whole days of falling in love with her?

So, that's why I took pictures last night. Because there's nothing like a hot shower when you're down and out. There's nothing like the water meeting that of your eyes, because there's something so much more than cleaning the dirt of off your skin, washing off all of your makeup, being naked and vulnerable. It's a therapy, it's your time to think and be alone with your body. They always make me feel better in a way, they at least let me think, get my head straight, but I don't feel much better. I've never been in a relationship where the simple things aren't so simple, because the simple things are my favorite, and it's not fair that I can't have her over to cook dinner with and watch a movie and fall asleep halfway through because I'm so comfortable in her arms. Or take her on a date, or just lay around on a couch with her. Or just drop by her work and see her for just a second, just a second because that's all I need to feel better about anything bad that might be happening in my day. I know we can make it work, because even so far away, I feel her more than I've ever felt anyone that's tangible in my day to day. 

Sometimes I still have to take a second and remind myself that Katheryn is real, and that she loves me. She loves me. I can't believe it, but I'm glad she does, and how can I be sad when I know this?

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

four walls and adobe slats.

I moved into my apartment at the end on January 31st of this year. 

This apartment has been a fucking disaster from the first day. The building was in an awful state compared to when I went to look at it. My A/C and heater didn't work, I didn't have any gas, therefore no hot water, and my landlord and maintenance man were almost useless. I couldn't live in my apartment until the end of February. Once I moved in, the other problems became apparent. The apartment hadn't been cleaned and the previous tenants were filthy. Lights were broken, windows didn't have screens, I can hear EVERYTHING from my neighbors below, the back stairs are unsafe, etc etc. My A/C wasn't even fixed until it started getting hotter back in March. Now, I hear mice in the walls, or something, and I've talked to my landlord and I'm moving out, after four months. I'll be leaving in July, I'd be leaving regardless, but an opportunity to live with my dear, dear friend, Shella has come up, and it couldn't be more perfect.

Despite all of these problems and this fucking death house apartment, there is something about this place that I will always hold so close to me. I want to spend my last months documenting myself in this place. Before I moved into this apartment, I was in an awful state, within myself. So the shitty place actually allowed me to get in a better place mentally and emotionally. The best place. And, I have this shithole to thank for it. Granted, this apartment has some charming qualities, once you look past all of the dirt and cracks and smells and sounds.

I was in an unhealthy relationship for 3 years. 3 years that peaked when we met and gradually went downhill until we were both at rock bottom, me more so than her. There were ups and downs, but the ups were downs, and there were never really ups anyway. It's so strange, the situations you put yourself into, making things your "reality", so much so that it seems like there can be nothing else when everything is always right there at your fingertips, you just have to make that small move, and then everything comes crashing in waves, and nothing is the same at all, everything, every single thing is different, but this core of you, this core of you that is always there even when absolutely nothing is the same.

I forgot about the core of me. I forgot about me in general. And it showed. Getting out of that relationship, moving into this fucking place, living on my own, just me and my dog, surrounded by my own things, being alone, I will always love this fucking apartment. I will always love it. I will always remember it.

I haven't felt this good since the summer of 2007, the summer when all felt right, when I felt fucking right, when I had this family of friends and genuine happiness.

Getting into my new place, within, allowed me to open back up all these friendship I pushed away because of my last relationship. Everything that I pushed away, I even pushed myself away. I got it all back, plus, in this apartment. Getting into a healthy state, a happy state, also allowed me to meet Katheryn, and I will forever be eternally grateful for that. She has changed my life, my mindset, my view on the world in more ways that I have ever imagined anyone doing so.

This apartment birthed our relationship, the first time we slept in the same bed, the first time we made love, where she asked me to be hers. This apartment is sacred, and I will always love this piece of shit.

Here's to even more changes, constant beginnings.

Monday, April 7, 2014

cool kids belong together.

Katheryn came to see me this weekend.
Yesterday she asked me to be her girlfriend.

What a dream.


Last night Katheryn made dinner.
Vegetarian tacos, and they were glorious. We ate them to Amelie.
After dinner we cuddled and stared at each other, told each other stories, laughed, giggled, made fun of each other. She started to ask me something about coming to see her in Houston and stopped herself. She started blushing and I could feel the heat from her cheeks. After about 20 minutes she asked me,
"When you come to Houston and you meet my friends, and Daria, can I introduce you as my girlfriend?"
Yes, yes you can.

It was the cutest, most perfect moment.

I said, "so you're my girlfriend?" and we both smiled, and I felt like the happiest woman on the planet. Then we shotgunned Shiner's in my kitchen, and basically, Katheryn is my match.

I can't wait for this new life, where everything feels like a dream.