Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Flashing back to my first ever self portraits on my Canon.
Because, why not?

My life has been in such a quarter-life-crisis, nearing my 25th birthday. You know, people always say that birthday effects you, and my 24 and previous years self, replied with, "oh no, not me."

Well, hello, here is the (almost) 25th me. And I am experiencing the latter. To me, I thought what these quarter-lifer's were trying to explain to me, as some sort of mental collapse, some sort of breakdown, weeping at the fact of growing older and all of that surface level bullshit. 

Which, is still not me.

However, I'm still having these weird, "I'm turning 25" thoughts and realizations and I've found myself in this constant state of making these short term goals with this deep, embedded feeling of sticking to them for once in my 25 year old life.

I've been sticking to my running regime sans this past weekend when I went to Houston, but I'm in a long distance relationship, so I take that time off if I want to take that time off. Another thing I realized all of the other times that I have tried to stick to my running schedule, if I somehow am off a day, I beat myself up. But, life happens, and when I'm hard on myself, I'm more likely to quit.


K and I talked about my running goals, my fitness/health/life goals in the very near future. We talked about living together. We talked about a lot of things, and oh how nice and refreshing it is to have a partner (key work, partner) who supports you and makes you feel like you can do anything, I just might fucking stick to something for once.

But when it comes down to it, any change has to start as mental. Making that mental fucking decision, that little switch in your brain that turns your current lifestyle into something else. 

Tonight is Week 2, Day 2.
Tonight is more packing. I am moving into my new house Thursday, or sometime this weekend because you know, it's time. I've already gotten rid of so many things, and that's always this really nice little feeling. It's all baggage really. It's all stuff. 

I'm not normally one to plan for the ~future~ and all, but now that I am this 25 year old ADULT, I guess things change. I am making PLANS, who am I? I am making goals. And goals that are realistic and possibly achievable. WHO KNEW.

I have my girlfriend, and friends who are making these changes in their lives. Who see this thing, or things, that they want, and they just go for them, you know? That's what I want, that's what I'm working towards.

Currently, working on getting a small student loan. The student loan will subsidized so it will benefit me in the following ways -

1. I can pay for school and go back this fall.
2. I will use extra money to pay off the rest of my surcharges to get a car and have my LIFE back.
3. The loan will my *credit*, which is needed.

This already gives me that big boost for LIFE.

Also, for the first time, I am considering moving to Houston after my new lease is up at the end of January.
Long distance isn't for me and I'd like to be closer to my closest.
Also, a change of scenery might be just what I need. Not to mention the fact that I could find a job way faster in Houston, and also maybe THE JOB. The career that I want, not just a job.

SO, exciting stuff happening guys.

Here's to running a 5K in October, getting my legal fees paid off, getting back in school, and getting a fresh-bright-and-shiny start to my 25th year of life.

Friday, July 18, 2014


These are the last few weeks in my apartment.
It's bittersweet, really. 
My apartment is my place to escape, it's my space and only my space.
These days, I'm constantly on the move, I wake up early to get ready for my commute, I work all day, I commute all the way back home, I take care of my my pups, and then my friends seem to occupy up the only hours that I have left of my day.
I have this strong, family of friends. It's something that I've missed having, that closeness, having dinners together, sharing secrets, sharing lives.
But, sometimes, it's all too much, and I just need that time for myself.
Which, will become less once I move into my house.
Two bedrooms, one bathroom, three girls.
We have the same schedule, really, so it should be interesting.
I'm making these goals now:

1. Make time for myself.
2. Start my running routine back up and train for a 5K in October.
3. Finish a book by the end of the month.
4. Carry my camera with me everywhere, document everything.
5. Clean eating.
6. Find a new, better paying, happier job by September.
7. Start school in Spring.

Now that I'm nearing 25, I've been having a slight quarter-life crisis.
I'm seeing my friends grow up and I'm seeing my life stay stagnant.
I'm constantly dreaming of this life I want, but how can that become a reality if I don't start making these changes. The fucking cliche, life is what you make it, is a cliche for a reason.
No one controls your life BUT YOU, nothing controls your life BUT YOU. 
I need to quit dreaming, thinking, waiting, and I need to DO.

Here's to big changes.


Friday, June 13, 2014

highway revisited

Today, the 300 miles between my girlfriend and I feel as heavy as the asphalt used to travel them.
Today, these 300 miles are as overwhelming as the hours used to fulfill them.
A round trip equivalent to a day of work that we can't seem to get out of.
A visit four times a month, if I'm lucky.
A visit a day at a time with weeks in between.
And everything is in numbers.
Miles, hours, day, weeks, months.
And how is that when we are together numbers don't exist?
And how am I supposed to adjust back to reality?
And the reality is just that - this is it.
That all of these numbers aren't changing anytime soon.
But I don't feel things in numbers.
I feel things in galaxies.
I feel everything, all at once, with everything that I have.
And I love her.
I love her in galaxies.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

dance yourself clean.

My girlfriend keeps pointing out that I haven't written in my blog in a while, that I haven't taken pictures in a while. I haven't finished my book. It's things like this that remind me just how special she is. That not only is she interested in what I have to say and do, but that she wants to make sure that I keep at things that make me happy. Things that I do for me. Because, sometimes, I do put these things to rest, as it's documented right here on this blog. 

Honestly, I write the most when I'm not happy, when I'm sad, or when something is weighing so heavily on me that there is nothing that I can do but write to release that pressure. When something pivotal that tests me is happening. These are the times I write the most. Which led me to the realization, that I already knew, but it really set in just how happy I am.

This weekend was really momentous. All day Thursday at work, my stomach was in knots and I was anxious and nervous, like I was getting ready for a first date. Katheryn was being weird and I just had this feeling that she was going to come see me, but at the same time, I kept telling myself that there was no way. It hit 5:00 and my friend text me that she was here to pick me up, but when I walked outside I saw Katheryn's car. I just started shaking my head, because I couldn't believe that she was here. I couldn't believe that this woman had been planning this with my friend, that she wanted to drive 300 miles on her only days off to come and see me. She opened the door and her long legs hit the ground. She looked fucking beautiful. I just hugged her and kissed her, I missed her so much. She opened the back door and pulled out large, bright sunflowers. My favorite, and they were the best looking ones and they smelled so amazing. I couldn't believe that she was here. She told me that she came to tell me something.

Friday morning she drove me to work. It was so strange having her in my bed on a day that she shouldn't be. Being a part of my normal, everyday life. I remember looking at her in the car and just feeling so fucking overwhelmed. I laid my head on her shoulder and she wrapped her arms around my head and kissed my forehead and my heart just felt the fullest it's ever felt. Those small moments, you know, there's nothing bigger than that. 

That night we went to dinner and then to meet some friends. We parked, and she turned off the car. She looked at me and told me I was gorgeous, and like most moments with us, the world fell silent. She kissed me and in between she started to tell me what she came here for. "I came here to tell you, that I've fallen in love with you." I couldn't speak. She told me that she knew the first time she saw me, and our first date. I didn't tell her, but I knew too. I knew that morning when she took me to work. I felt it when I visited her in Houston and sat across from her at the coffee shop, and watched her drink her latte and read the paper, and how ever detail about her, every small, tiny, intricate detail about her from the inside out was everything I never even knew I wanted, everything I ever dreamed and things that I couldn't possibly even dream of because I didn't know their perfection. There was ink on her fingers, and she looked up and smiled, and I felt it. 

We cuddled all that night in our sleep. She left that morning before 8 AM. We were so tired and our goodbye was made of sleepy eyes and little brain function. By the end of the day, I hit a wall. The distance of our relationship really fucking sunk it. The reality of it all. The reality that this is it. This will be it, and it's not changing. Not anytime soon. That the woman that I love lives in a different city. Saying those words out loud, saying them made it real. And everything sunk in, and I haven't been able to really feel better. I'll see her in a little over a week, for a day and a half. I'll see her that next weekend for a week long trip, and I can't even fathom what it will be like to have so many days with her. I can't help but think of what that goodbye will be like, because every moment I'm with her, I fall more in love with her, and how am I supposed to say goodbye after 7 whole days of falling in love with her?

So, that's why I took pictures last night. Because there's nothing like a hot shower when you're down and out. There's nothing like the water meeting that of your eyes, because there's something so much more than cleaning the dirt of off your skin, washing off all of your makeup, being naked and vulnerable. It's a therapy, it's your time to think and be alone with your body. They always make me feel better in a way, they at least let me think, get my head straight, but I don't feel much better. I've never been in a relationship where the simple things aren't so simple, because the simple things are my favorite, and it's not fair that I can't have her over to cook dinner with and watch a movie and fall asleep halfway through because I'm so comfortable in her arms. Or take her on a date, or just lay around on a couch with her. Or just drop by her work and see her for just a second, just a second because that's all I need to feel better about anything bad that might be happening in my day. I know we can make it work, because even so far away, I feel her more than I've ever felt anyone that's tangible in my day to day. 

Sometimes I still have to take a second and remind myself that Katheryn is real, and that she loves me. She loves me. I can't believe it, but I'm glad she does, and how can I be sad when I know this?

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

four walls and adobe slats.

I moved into my apartment at the end on January 31st of this year. 

This apartment has been a fucking disaster from the first day. The building was in an awful state compared to when I went to look at it. My A/C and heater didn't work, I didn't have any gas, therefore no hot water, and my landlord and maintenance man were almost useless. I couldn't live in my apartment until the end of February. Once I moved in, the other problems became apparent. The apartment hadn't been cleaned and the previous tenants were filthy. Lights were broken, windows didn't have screens, I can hear EVERYTHING from my neighbors below, the back stairs are unsafe, etc etc. My A/C wasn't even fixed until it started getting hotter back in March. Now, I hear mice in the walls, or something, and I've talked to my landlord and I'm moving out, after four months. I'll be leaving in July, I'd be leaving regardless, but an opportunity to live with my dear, dear friend, Shella has come up, and it couldn't be more perfect.

Despite all of these problems and this fucking death house apartment, there is something about this place that I will always hold so close to me. I want to spend my last months documenting myself in this place. Before I moved into this apartment, I was in an awful state, within myself. So the shitty place actually allowed me to get in a better place mentally and emotionally. The best place. And, I have this shithole to thank for it. Granted, this apartment has some charming qualities, once you look past all of the dirt and cracks and smells and sounds.

I was in an unhealthy relationship for 3 years. 3 years that peaked when we met and gradually went downhill until we were both at rock bottom, me more so than her. There were ups and downs, but the ups were downs, and there were never really ups anyway. It's so strange, the situations you put yourself into, making things your "reality", so much so that it seems like there can be nothing else when everything is always right there at your fingertips, you just have to make that small move, and then everything comes crashing in waves, and nothing is the same at all, everything, every single thing is different, but this core of you, this core of you that is always there even when absolutely nothing is the same.

I forgot about the core of me. I forgot about me in general. And it showed. Getting out of that relationship, moving into this fucking place, living on my own, just me and my dog, surrounded by my own things, being alone, I will always love this fucking apartment. I will always love it. I will always remember it.

I haven't felt this good since the summer of 2007, the summer when all felt right, when I felt fucking right, when I had this family of friends and genuine happiness.

Getting into my new place, within, allowed me to open back up all these friendship I pushed away because of my last relationship. Everything that I pushed away, I even pushed myself away. I got it all back, plus, in this apartment. Getting into a healthy state, a happy state, also allowed me to meet Katheryn, and I will forever be eternally grateful for that. She has changed my life, my mindset, my view on the world in more ways that I have ever imagined anyone doing so.

This apartment birthed our relationship, the first time we slept in the same bed, the first time we made love, where she asked me to be hers. This apartment is sacred, and I will always love this piece of shit.

Here's to even more changes, constant beginnings.

Monday, April 7, 2014

cool kids belong together.

Katheryn came to see me this weekend.
Yesterday she asked me to be her girlfriend.

What a dream.


Last night Katheryn made dinner.
Vegetarian tacos, and they were glorious. We ate them to Amelie.
After dinner we cuddled and stared at each other, told each other stories, laughed, giggled, made fun of each other. She started to ask me something about coming to see her in Houston and stopped herself. She started blushing and I could feel the heat from her cheeks. After about 20 minutes she asked me,
"When you come to Houston and you meet my friends, and Daria, can I introduce you as my girlfriend?"
Yes, yes you can.

It was the cutest, most perfect moment.

I said, "so you're my girlfriend?" and we both smiled, and I felt like the happiest woman on the planet. Then we shotgunned Shiner's in my kitchen, and basically, Katheryn is my match.

I can't wait for this new life, where everything feels like a dream.

Monday, March 31, 2014

the skin i'm in.

I took these self portraits on Friday, 3/28. It's a pretty big step for me, to have these pictures, these pictures in my underwear. Something that I pushed myself to do, why I take self portraits in the first place. To many, self portraiture may seem vain and narcissistic, but for me, it's quite the opposite. No, for me, it's therapy. It's a way to give back to myself, to push myself, to become comfortable in myself. All my life I have struggled with insecurity, body shaming myself, being self conscious. It's something that has been improving over time, and self portraiture has become a small remedy for that. Standing in front of the camera, letting it capture all of my flaws, seeing these flaws, and embracing myself. Seeing myself as the world sees me and not this idea of myself that I have in my head. Being comfortable with what I have, because, it's all I have and it's not going to change. This is who I am right now, in this point in time, this is what I look like. There's not use in hating myself, or not believe people when they call me beautiful, I have to believe it.

So, I did it. I took these pictures. I took these pictures to show myself that it's okay. That maybe I can be beautiful the way that I am, today.

Because lately, I am feeling more beautiful with these bones. In this skin, and everything that comes with it. I have Katheryn to thank for that also. It's nice to have someone around you, who looks at you in such a way where you have no choice but to believe them, you can see it in their eyes, feel it in their touch, feel it everywhere.

Featuring: Bubba Moonbeam. Be the person your dog thinks you are.

All photos taken with Canon EOS Rebel 350D.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

at the hop.

This past weekend, my favorite humans ventured into my city of Dallas. Katheryn hailing from Houston and Ruben, coincidentally on the same weekend, from Kansas City.

So, we made Saturday the greatest, most wonderful, double date day of all time, as Ruben brought his boyfriend Derrick with him. Which, is a rare treat.

The day started off with Ruben picking us up and heading to Cosmic Cafe, eating my favorite foods and drinking bottomless coffee. We all laughed and got to know each other better, and it was perfect. Afterwards, we headed to Fort Worth to check out the Modern Art Museum and the Kimbell Art Museum. We spent a lot of time at the modern because no one had been but me. 

Above you can see Derek walking across Carl Andre's sculpture, Slit (1981). This was a big deal for Derek as he explained (I'm extremely paraphrasing here) that it is meant to be walked across, but you also feel like you shouldn't. We watched and some people didn't even know it existed. And, here you have Derek wanting me to capture the moment because it was a big deal to him. Beautiful.
(The artwork in the back of Derek is Dark Blue Panel, Dark Green Panel, Red Panel, by Ellsworth Kelly, 1986.)

The most intriguing art to me was an exhibition of Fred Tomaselli. His collages were so intricate and breathtaking. I can only wish that I owned his artwork.

We walked around holding hands and discussing the pieces, Derek and Ruben both art students, Katheryn and I both passionate. It was splendid. The Kimbell was quite different. We caught it 30 minutes from close. They have so many original paintings, and while there I was very inspired to start a photo series of the guest of museums, Museum Dwellers. For this, I'd like to use my TLR, so it may happen in the future.

Afterwards we headed to Good Records to kill time before was saw the new Wes, Grand Budapest Hotel. Katheryn and Ruben geeked out and bought a handful of albums, and Derek and I strolled about pausing to kiss our lovers from time to time. 

Next was Paciugo and then the film. 
I wish I could lie and say that I loved the film, but I didn't. It was beautiful. It seems as though Wes' budget continues to increase, so therefore, it was stunning. The main characters were absolutely charming. It's just, there were a handful of things that I didn't like. Some of the characters were never fully developed to my liking. The story ended quite abruptly, and depressing. However, I also do this thing where I anticipate greatness and that leaves me to be displeased by my own faults. Who knows. I would still recommend it.

Isn't Katheryn beautiful?

The rest of the night was spent having Shiner with some friends, playing Catchphrase and card games and passing out early in the morning.

Needless to say, the rest of the weekend was even more magic than this day.

All photos taken with my Canon EOS digital Rebel 350D.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Well, well, well. Hasn't it been a hot minute since my poor canon has seen the lights of day.

To be precise, it has been since 2013 that I have taken any self portraits, or even photographs on my canon at all. Luckily, I haven't been completely useless and have still been venturing around with my Polaroid or Instax, or sometimes both, hanging from my shoulder. My iphone has been a trusty substitute.

Honestly, my life has been moving at a hyper-speed that I'm not quite used to. It all began with stretching my social butterfly wings as I had been locked away, avoiding friends to avoid conflict, to avoid anything, I guess. This whole new lease on life, unleashed on me and I have been quite frivolous and probably a little too social for anyone's good, especially mine, but I won't take back anything at all, because it has been magic and brought back this thirst for life, and led me to meet my muse, Katheryn.

Her face will be gracing this blog soon, I'm sure. However, not as often as I'd like as she and I are getting ourselves into one those long distance romances. Which, considering our sentiment and intellect find this rather romantic, for now. I can't wait to send her cute things in the real mail, and anticipate the days leading up to her receiving packages because life is all about instant gratification these days, and we forget what its like to wait on a package, to wait for a sweet reaction from a beautiful girl, to wait to see your significant other, the yearning, the build up, it's all so much magic.

So, here is to me, being back to me. To this beautiful self that was lost for a while, but is back, and motivated and ready to keep improving and constantly striving to better myself, and to this life with this new light.

Pictures taken with my Canon EOS Digital Rebel 350D, on the balcony of my apartment I'm learning to love. 

Monday, March 24, 2014

use instant film.

A collection of my recent captures.
A random night at double wide.
Taken by a stranger on my friend's Polaroid using Polaroid 600-Type film.

Later on in the random night.
Taken with my Fujifilm Instax Wide.

My friend's and I left a wedding on the border of Lousiana. Due to the roads icing over during the ceremony, a 3 hour drive turned into 14. For the majority of the time, we were at a standstill on the high way. Cars were turned off and no one budged. We found a bottle of wine in the back of the car and made friends from the vehicles around us. This was a redneck in crocks who used a bag of knives to open our bottle. You turn bad circumstances into good memories.
Take with my Fujifilm Instax Wide.

Another capture from that night on the frozen highway.
Taken with my Fujifilm Instax Wide.

Ice Night.
Taken with my FujiFilm Instax Wide.

The most magical date night.
Taken with my Polaroid Cool Cam 600, using Polaroid 600-Type film.
Taken with my FujiFilm Instax Wide.

Leaving Austin and tagging along with my friend Shella after missing my greyhound.
Taken with my Polaroid Cool Cam 600, using Polaroid 600-Type film.

My friend accidentally snapped this at her house.
Taken with my Polaroid Cool Cam 600, using Polaroid 600-Type film.

My love at my house this weekend, with bubs.
Taken with my FujiFilm Instax Wide.
Katheryn's first time in Dallas, this was right before we said goodbye at a wall by my apartment.
Taken with my Polaroid Cool Cam 600, using Polaroid 600-Type film.

My bathroom, with a handful of my instant pictures.

Use instant film, guys.

There's something about the film, about the moment that you choose to capture. What to use your film on, what memory you want on that film. 

The impossible project.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

paraselene woman.

I typed this post after the first weekend I met Katheryn, 3/8-3/9.

A small novel about when I met my dream girl.

This past weekend, I ventured 4 hours away from my apartment to Houston. For the last month or so I had been talking to a girl named Katheryn, not a girl, a woman. I had tried not to get too involved even though I loved all of our novel long, back to back, messages and how engaged she was in what I had to say. How she craved to know more about me, even the most minuscule things. Asking me questions like, "What is your favorite smell?", or "Is your writing style always stream of consciousness, or do you write poems, or short stories, or prose?" How could you not be hooked? Hanging onto every word in this unbelievable reality that this beautiful, intelligent woman wrapped in this attractive fucking package cared, really cared, about what I had to say. The last couple of weeks things got intense as we both started to realize that we were pretty lucky that we had stumbled upon each other somehow in this tangled universe, that we could hold these deep conversations, and yet we hadn't even met. The opportunity arose for me to travel to her, and I seized it. The whole ride there was a cocktail of utter excitement and sickening anxiety, because what if I don't amount to this picture she has painted in her head of me, that this too-good-to-be-true woman might actually be as such. We reached our destination around 11:00 PM, Katheryn and I would be seeing each other in less than 12 hours. I let her know that I had made it, I was only 45 tiny minutes away from. We flirted with the idea of seeing each other tonight, but it was so late, and she had to work early in the morning as she changed her schedule to have more time with me for our first date. Suddenly, "Fuck it, this is dumb, you're so close. I'm coming to see you." Katheryn asked for my location and that was that. Her car pulled up next to us, Brand New was blaring out of her speakers. I couldn't believe she was right next to me. "GO GET IN THE CAR WITH HER!" My friends urged me. My nerves were on fire, my stomach was flipping back and forth, my heart was beating, my hands were shaking. I got out and slid into her passenger seat. I had to force myself to look at her, I couldn't believe she was real life in front of me. A three dimensional human being, talking to me, driving us down the street to our destination. We arrived only two minutes later, but the anticipation slowed it down to at least 20. We got out and she walked to me, I even liked her walk. She hugged me, tightly, and her fingertips grew strong on my back. We headed towards the restaurant and I'm pretty sure I forgot how to walk. We sat next to each other across from my friends, but they may as well have been in a different building in a different city, at a different time. I was so consumed with the fact that Katheryn was next to me, she was really here. I finally had the courage to talk directly to her face, and she gave me these looks with her eyes that could kill. Those long eyelashes, and how they drew up slowly only to intently focus on my eyes. It made my heart drop. We chatted, told stories, talked about the drive, talked about how we couldn't believe we were in each other's real life presence. She sat her hand on my thigh for one second, and took it back in second thought. I let her know it was okay by moving my knee to meet her own. Her voice was adorable, and the way she talked, and used her arms, her fucking smile. It was almost time to go, and I couldn't wait until tomorrow. Her hug goodbye was even better than our hello. I could feel her desire to kiss me, but this was good enough. Not here, not like this.

As soon as I got into the car, I pulled out my phone to text her. It's too soon, I thought to myself. Just then, A message appeared on my screen from Katheryn, "You're so perfect."

We text all night and all day from the moment we opened our eyes. I the whole day making sure I looked perfect. I don't remember what it felt like to get ready for a first date until that day. When it was finally time to go meet her, I could barely breathe.

We spot her car and she gets out to hug me. Oh, those hugs. When we get inside, she reaches in the back and pulls out flowers. Gerber Daisies. "I got you these. I know you like sunflowers, but I had to get these. Look at them!" How can someone continuously get more and more perfect?

We started driving. She was taking me to the park, Discovery Green. She told me about Houston, she's full of these little facts and bits of history and it's completely endearing. We talked about her mom, and her family. Her high school. When we made it downtown, she pointed out buildings and told me about them. We park and get out to walk. It's dark now and we can't stop giggling walking beside each other because it's so unreal and we have no idea where we are going. My hair was blowing in every direction and the air was humid. We reach the park and there was a small family festival that was ending. Dad's were playing tag with their kids, and it was a beautiful night. She takes me to the Listening Vessels. Two giant half circles made out of limestone. They are facing each other, 70 feet apart. There is a small seat and I sit down in one of the orbs and Katheryn walks to the other. The sound waves travel and we can hear each other, even though I can barely see her in the night. "You look really pretty tonight," she almost whispers. I wonder if she could hear me blush from there.

I walk over and ask to take her Polaroid. I want to capture this moment. 

She's beautiful.

We see a sculpture off in the distance, not knowing exactly what it is, we make our way there. It's amazing. Children are running in and out of all of the little alley ways and crevices, climbing it's walls. I want this memory too.

We continue walking through the park. She grabs my hand. Spark straight to the heart. "We're about to get some looks." She says, as she smiles at me with that smile, with that squint. It's too much.

The next 20 minutes are spent driving around her city. Her telling me stories of where she used to live, what it was like to grow up here, all while listening to the playlist I made her. We go for a drink.

The bar is called Boheme, it's illuminated by red lights. Latin music plays in the background, and tufted couches and wooden tables surround the rectangle bar in the middle. "Will you let me order you a beer?" she asks. It's a local beer, Bombshell Blonde. We sit outside.

There are giant heaters and all of the tables are full, and even then it feels like we are the only ones at the bar tonight. We talk about our favorite artists, what inspires us. I gush about Nan Goldin, Francesca Woodman, Mary Ellen Mark, and she about Kurt Vonnegut and all of the authors that changed her world. We talk about painters and our favorite films, and she gets me with each word she says. It starts raining. Which is only an excuse to get to move onto the bench next to her under the giant umbrella. Our legs are touching, she puts her arm around me, "I really can't believe you're here. Your smile... it kills me." She touches my leg and I bury my face into her shoulder. I can't even speak, I'm just blushing and smiling, and my cheeks hurt. She kissed my cheek and I feel more from that peck on my skin than so many past kisses on my lips. I can't, I look at her face, and her lips, and I kiss her. My heart is beating, and the rain is pouring all around us, and it's perfect. She gently grabs my face, her lips are so soft. I can't even think straight after the kiss. "I feel like the world could just melt away right now," she said, and I realize that there are moments in life that are even better than the movies.

The rain begins to overflow the umbrella, and we decide to go inside and close out and leave. She can't stop touching me, or kissing me. It's such a spectacular feeling, like we are the only ones who exist in a crowded bar where everyone is elbow to elbow. 

We walk back to the car and decide to go for a late meal. Where she wanted to take me was closed, but it's more opportunity to drive around and share stories, look at the art the city has to offer. She decides on a place, Brazil. We park on a street in an adorable neighborhood, but we don't get out. We sit in the car and Rilo Kiley is playing, a song she previously dedicated to me and she looks at me and smiles. She tells me how perfect I am, how she can't believe I'm real, she can't believe I'm here. The windows start to fog and she kisses me. This time more intensely. It's the most perfect kiss I've ever had, the more intense it gets, I can hear involuntarily muffled, quiet moan like noises in her throat. I didn't know a kiss could be so equally sweet and romantic and intensely passionate all at once. Her hand on my leg and grabbing at the collar of my coat, in my hair, touching my face. It was unreal, a kiss. It's hard to look at her straight in the face, it's perfect. It really is.

We decide we should venture out to the bar before it closes at midnight. We order two Shiners and hummus.  She grabs a Houston Press, and it's perfect. We sit in a large table, sharing a bench. The room is open and well lit, and crowded. How does it still feel like we are the only ones here? She sits right beside me, "I like the way we fit together." Sometimes interrupting what I have to say because she needs to kiss me right there in that moment, at that second. It was almost too much to bear. We talk about our dogs, which is very important to me. She asks me questions about him. We share stories about zombiewalk and tripping on acid, comparing Dallas to Houston, we read the Houston Press, we talk about writing, we talk about everything. We just sit there at our table, cuddling and kissing, hugging, and staring at each other, and blushing. Who knows if anyone was even paying attention. "I bet we're the happiest people in this room," she says. Perfect. She tells me she wants a picture with me and that'd she would be really sad if I left back to Dallas without giving her one. We take pictures with her phone, the flash blinding us, and us uncontrollably laughing at how they turn out, and how we can't see without small purple squares in our eyes. My cheeks ache.

It's time to go now. We walk back to the car, holding hands. Why does that feel so great? We drive around more, talking, sharing, swooning, and then it's time to go home. The drive is 45 minutes away and it's dark and raining. When we get there, we sit in the car and she tells me how she doesn't want me to go. We attempt to take pictures with my instant cameras and we laugh so much it hurts. She pulls two books out of the backseat to let me borrow, I can't wait to read them. We talk and kiss, we can't stop kissing, but it's time to go. I gather my things and give her a letter that I wrote her. Two pages chock full of all the inspiration and romanticism that she gave me before I even met her, that I now feel the letter lacks so much after spending the most magical night in her presence. One last kiss.

I walk towards the door where I'm staying and she rolls down her window and tells me bye. And that's that. It's like finishing a really great movie or book, how you're left with this intense contentment because of how beautiful and magnificent the movie was, but also this sadness and longing for more.

The next morning she tells me that she put in a request to see me the weekend after next. I'm still not quite sure how she's real, or how I'm lucky enough to spend this time with her, she really is a dream, too good to be true. Now, I'll just try and get back to reality until I can see her again.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

bathed in grey.

My old friend text me the other day and said, "What happened to your pregnancy?", referring to a previous entry about feeling pregnant with inspiration.

I said, "the loss of my memory card." Mixed with a little stress of apartment hunting, moving, packing, and everything that goes with it. Not to mention, my social level is at an all time high. I swear, time is flying by being stretched so thin.

The picture above is the most perfect apartment that I finally found. Did I mention it's perfect?
It's a fourplex, so mine is the entire top, right half. It's all wood floors, crown molding everywhere, big closet, and has a little stack-able washer and dryer. I'll get pictures when I get it all decorated and cute. I'm so excited.

Big changes ahead. I can't wait to build this new life.

The other weekend I was give a free Canon Rebel film SLR. I have eight rolls of film I have been watering at the mouth to use. I'm so excited. Once I get back on my feet from this move I'm also going to invest in some impossible film and use my polaroid that has been hanging around collecting dust since I got it three years ago.

So many things I want to do. Sew, take pictures, make music, make art.

I've missed feeling so thrilled by life.

Remember everyone, it's okay to cut people out of your life. To get yourself out of situations that make you feel unhappy, and however hard and scary it seems, the healing process is way faster and less painful than you think it is.