Today I will start this oh, so delicious Artist's Way challenge.
I did think that this would be a challenge, in the way where I would have one specific task a day. However, let's begin!
"Recovering a Sense of Safety. This week initiates your creative recovery."
The task at hand is to set my alarm clock half an hour earlier, wake up, and write three pages stream of conciousness writing, and to not reread them. They will change me. I'm am changing this to devote 30 minutes a day to write it here.
There are also 10 tasks that you have to do each week. I won't name all of those tasks now, but I will jot them here once I have completed one or so.
The other day my mother walked past the neighbors. The neighbors that I was once friends with until one of them decided that I was a threat, as they are a couple. She sent me novels through text, and I don't think anyone really understood how deeply I took them, or how much they affected me. She decided to tell my mother that she felt really bad, but then the message she sent me through text right after that was just "quit being weird and come over". I told my mother that I didn't care to respond and she said, "You're going to have to learn to quit expecting people to react how you would react. That was her form of apology." Those words slapped me in the fucking face. I immediately reacted. I'm not expecting people to 'react how I would react'. I'm not expecting anything outside of common courtesy. I'm tired of giving people excuses. I'm tired of keeping people in my life that can't even let their pride go for five seconds to admit that they were being a dick, and just say, "I'm sorry." I don't know when things like this became things that we should accept, as being a characteristic of that person. It's not acceptable, just because that is the way that person is. Maybe that person should change, evolve. Maybe that person should learn that sometimes, you have to say that you're sorry. Everyone has their flaws, and some we learn to live with, but I don't understand why we force ourselves to learn how to accept things like some people don't say that they're sorry. When someone hits me with their basket at the market and they don't say their sorry, I could give a fuck less. Yeah, you're rude, but I don't really care. It's different. It's not the same when they're someone who is your friend. Or someone who wants a relationship of some sort with you. So many couples these days allow their partners to be an asshole. Simply because that is just how they are. It's bullshit. He hits you, but that's okay because that's just how he reacts to things when he's mad. That is not okay. I can't understand when all of this just became okay. We're not evolved. We're just allowing more asshole behavior. We're allowing men to become famous that rap about killing people, and degrade women, and call people faggot's and tell a homosexual woman, who is just standing up for herself, "when you need a real dick, call me". It's sad. It's so sad. Our society is chaning, and Obama is making big differences in the world. People are scared of change, and movement, and allowing things that have been unacceptable, and this is why. This is why. I wish that we could stand up and make a difference, but I feel that the amount of dense, hollow people are outnumbering us by the millions. Our society is losing intelligence, and we praise people, and make millionares out of people that spend their life fucking bitches and getting high. Why does that person have more money than I do? Why should this person live a life of luxury as I struggle from month to month? It's not fair. Things like this aren't fair. There is nothing to do about it. I want change, and so many things are changing, but there is nothing you can do about this obsessed society that is only growing. When I feel like this, I just pull my head out of water. Suck in that breath of air, and focus on the good things. It's hard sometimes, but I just look to my side. The side where my girlfriend always is. What a difference she has made in my life, that I actually care about things now. Pulling me out of my abyss of overdrinking and careless behavior because I had no one that truly wanted something better for me. My world had crumbled, and she brought me into hers. My dog. How he is my sidekick, and has been with me through everything. How he will never leave me, and his love for me is eternal and nothing phases that love. This morning's stream of consciouness is a little dark. Which is odd, because I am actually in a good mood. I just get started, and I can't stop. I move this weekend. I will have my own space, and that means more to me than anyone can guess. I'm focusing on making changes in my life. Being more active, being more active for my dog, with my girlfriend. Being more proactive, not being so lazy, being more productive. Doing more art. Writing more .The simple pleasures that are drained from me at work, and I go home and veg out instead of doing them. I will make more time for these things. More time for me. It all starts with my new room. I start classes June 6 - July 6 and I will have less time, but it would be time well spend. It's so nice to finally get back on the school track. I love my girlfriend. I love how we work through anything. I love how our relationship has been put through tests that a lot or relationships won't ever face, for it's short life. Almost two years, and I still look at her and think about how lucky I am. I still can't believe how all of this happened. How we've both changed, and grown, and done this together, and through everything, we still love each other. It seems like it matures each day. We are planning on getting a house together soon, and I can't wait. It's a while from now, but it's great to look forward to. I have about 12 minutes left of this, and I almost feel as though it's wasted. I would definitely have like to write something more inspiring, more uplifting, and something with far more creativity. What can you do? I haven't had a cup of coffee and this is just my first day. I found a great spot on my walk with Bubs yesterday to start doing some self portrait therapy. A great open field that could fool you for a second that it's not surrounded by warehouses and busy city streets. The powerlines in the middle make a nice back drop. It will be amazing, and it will make it as though I am in a different place. Simple pleasures. I also signed up for a new vet today. Health care for Bubsy! Some other short goals are to get my air conditioner fixed. I'm also excited for next semester. I will being writing for the paper. I hope I get some good stories, some good practice. It will teach me so much. I want to buy a film camera, and take a dark room class. I want to feed this burning creativity craving that never seems to get completely satisfied. Move move move this weekend. My new place. I found some great pieces. A friend's birthday party. Despite the tone of this long hand, I am actually very happy and content with my life, however unperfect it may be. Things keep looking up, even with all of the added stresses, and I just know that I have to take life head on. I have to take it with a postive outlook, because what's the point and getting upset about things that you can't control? Roll with the punches, as people may say, just do it and do it well. Live your life as something to be proud of. Make all of your actions count, and handle situations with grace and fight. I need to quick being so lazy, I need to get back that gung ho attitude. I used to be such a pursuer! Gotta get dat back. I hope tomorrows rambling will be much more exciting, and much more postive and enthusiastic, and hopefully much more poetic. I will make sure to have my coffee, or perhaps treat myself to an espresso as I get paid. Pay days are always nice, even though the benefits are short lived. I think for the first day, I can cut this one short. Especially since I am at work. Amen.