highway revisited

Today, the 300 miles between my girlfriend and I feel as heavy as the asphalt used to travel them.

Today, these 300 miles are as overwhelming as the hours used to fulfill them.

A round trip equivalent to a day of work that we can't seem to get out of.

A visit four times a month, if I'm lucky.

A visit a day at a time with weeks in between.

And everything is in numbers.

Miles, hours, day, weeks, months.

And how is that when we are together numbers don't exist?

And how am I supposed to adjust back to reality?

And the reality is just that - this is it.

That all of these numbers aren't changing anytime soon.

But I don't feel things in numbers.

I feel things in galaxies.

I feel everything, all at once, with everything that I have.

And I love her.
I love her in galaxies.

dance yourself clean.

My girlfriend keeps pointing out that I haven't written in my blog in a while, that I haven't taken pictures in a while. I haven't finished my book. It's things like this that remind me just how special she is. That not only is she interested in what I have to say and do, but that she wants to make sure that I keep at things that make me happy. Things that I do for me. Because, sometimes, I do put these things to rest, as it's documented right here on this blog. 

Honestly, I write the most when I'm not happy, when I'm sad, or when something is weighing so heavily on me that there is nothing that I can do but write to release that pressure. When something pivotal that tests me is happening. These are the times I write the most. Which led me to the realization, that I already knew, but it really set in just how happy I am.

This weekend was really momentous. All day Thursday at work, my stomach was in knots and I was anxious and nervous, like I was getting ready for a first date. Katheryn was being weird and I just had this feeling that she was going to come see me, but at the same time, I kept telling myself that there was no way. It hit 5:00 and my friend text me that she was here to pick me up, but when I walked outside I saw Katheryn's car. I just started shaking my head, because I couldn't believe that she was here. I couldn't believe that this woman had been planning this with my friend, that she wanted to drive 300 miles on her only days off to come and see me. She opened the door and her long legs hit the ground. She looked fucking beautiful. I just hugged her and kissed her, I missed her so much. She opened the back door and pulled out large, bright sunflowers. My favorite, and they were the best looking ones and they smelled so amazing. I couldn't believe that she was here. She told me that she came to tell me something.

Friday morning she drove me to work. It was so strange having her in my bed on a day that she shouldn't be. Being a part of my normal, everyday life. I remember looking at her in the car and just feeling so fucking overwhelmed. I laid my head on her shoulder and she wrapped her arms around my head and kissed my forehead and my heart just felt the fullest it's ever felt. Those small moments, you know, there's nothing bigger than that. 

That night we went to dinner and then to meet some friends. We parked, and she turned off the car. She looked at me and told me I was gorgeous, and like most moments with us, the world fell silent. She kissed me and in between she started to tell me what she came here for. "I came here to tell you, that I've fallen in love with you." I couldn't speak. She told me that she knew the first time she saw me, and our first date. I didn't tell her, but I knew too. I knew that morning when she took me to work. I felt it when I visited her in Houston and sat across from her at the coffee shop, and watched her drink her latte and read the paper, and how ever detail about her, every small, tiny, intricate detail about her from the inside out was everything I never even knew I wanted, everything I ever dreamed and things that I couldn't possibly even dream of because I didn't know their perfection. There was ink on her fingers, and she looked up and smiled, and I felt it. 

We cuddled all that night in our sleep. She left that morning before 8 AM. We were so tired and our goodbye was made of sleepy eyes and little brain function. By the end of the day, I hit a wall. The distance of our relationship really fucking sunk it. The reality of it all. The reality that this is it. This will be it, and it's not changing. Not anytime soon. That the woman that I love lives in a different city. Saying those words out loud, saying them made it real. And everything sunk in, and I haven't been able to really feel better. I'll see her in a little over a week, for a day and a half. I'll see her that next weekend for a week long trip, and I can't even fathom what it will be like to have so many days with her. I can't help but think of what that goodbye will be like, because every moment I'm with her, I fall more in love with her, and how am I supposed to say goodbye after 7 whole days of falling in love with her?

So, that's why I took pictures last night. Because there's nothing like a hot shower when you're down and out. There's nothing like the water meeting that of your eyes, because there's something so much more than cleaning the dirt of off your skin, washing off all of your makeup, being naked and vulnerable. It's a therapy, it's your time to think and be alone with your body. They always make me feel better in a way, they at least let me think, get my head straight, but I don't feel much better. I've never been in a relationship where the simple things aren't so simple, because the simple things are my favorite, and it's not fair that I can't have her over to cook dinner with and watch a movie and fall asleep halfway through because I'm so comfortable in her arms. Or take her on a date, or just lay around on a couch with her. Or just drop by her work and see her for just a second, just a second because that's all I need to feel better about anything bad that might be happening in my day. I know we can make it work, because even so far away, I feel her more than I've ever felt anyone that's tangible in my day to day. 

Sometimes I still have to take a second and remind myself that Katheryn is real, and that she loves me. She loves me. I can't believe it, but I'm glad she does, and how can I be sad when I know this?

four walls and adobe slats.

I moved into my apartment at the end on January 31st of this year. 

This apartment has been a fucking disaster from the first day. The building was in an awful state compared to when I went to look at it. My A/C and heater didn't work, I didn't have any gas, therefore no hot water, and my landlord and maintenance man were almost useless. I couldn't live in my apartment until the end of February. Once I moved in, the other problems became apparent. The apartment hadn't been cleaned and the previous tenants were filthy. Lights were broken, windows didn't have screens, I can hear EVERYTHING from my neighbors below, the back stairs are unsafe, etc etc. My A/C wasn't even fixed until it started getting hotter back in March. Now, I hear mice in the walls, or something, and I've talked to my landlord and I'm moving out, after four months. I'll be leaving in July, I'd be leaving regardless, but an opportunity to live with my dear, dear friend, Shella has come up, and it couldn't be more perfect.

Despite all of these problems and this fucking death house apartment, there is something about this place that I will always hold so close to me. I want to spend my last months documenting myself in this place. Before I moved into this apartment, I was in an awful state, within myself. So the shitty place actually allowed me to get in a better place mentally and emotionally. The best place. And, I have this shithole to thank for it. Granted, this apartment has some charming qualities, once you look past all of the dirt and cracks and smells and sounds.

I was in an unhealthy relationship for 3 years. 3 years that peaked when we met and gradually went downhill until we were both at rock bottom, me more so than her. There were ups and downs, but the ups were downs, and there were never really ups anyway. It's so strange, the situations you put yourself into, making things your "reality", so much so that it seems like there can be nothing else when everything is always right there at your fingertips, you just have to make that small move, and then everything comes crashing in waves, and nothing is the same at all, everything, every single thing is different, but this core of you, this core of you that is always there even when absolutely nothing is the same.

I forgot about the core of me. I forgot about me in general. And it showed. Getting out of that relationship, moving into this fucking place, living on my own, just me and my dog, surrounded by my own things, being alone, I will always love this fucking apartment. I will always love it. I will always remember it.

I haven't felt this good since the summer of 2007, the summer when all felt right, when I felt fucking right, when I had this family of friends and genuine happiness.

Getting into my new place, within, allowed me to open back up all these friendship I pushed away because of my last relationship. Everything that I pushed away, I even pushed myself away. I got it all back, plus, in this apartment. Getting into a healthy state, a happy state, also allowed me to meet Katheryn, and I will forever be eternally grateful for that. She has changed my life, my mindset, my view on the world in more ways that I have ever imagined anyone doing so.

This apartment birthed our relationship, the first time we slept in the same bed, the first time we made love, where she asked me to be hers. This apartment is sacred, and I will always love this piece of shit.

Here's to even more changes, constant beginnings.

cool kids belong together.

Katheryn came to see me this weekend.

Yesterday she asked me to be her girlfriend.

What a dream.


___________________________________________________________________

Last night Katheryn made dinner.
Vegetarian tacos, and they were glorious. We ate them to Amelie.
After dinner we cuddled and stared at each other, told each other stories, laughed, giggled, made fun of each other. She started to ask me something about coming to see her in Houston and stopped herself. She started blushing and I could feel the heat from her cheeks. After about 20 minutes she asked me,
"When you come to Houston and you meet my friends, and Daria, can I introduce you as my girlfriend?"
Yes, yes you can.

It was the cutest, most perfect moment.

I said, "so you're my girlfriend?" and we both smiled, and I felt like the happiest woman on the planet. Then we shotgunned Shiner's in my kitchen, and basically, Katheryn is my match.

I can't wait for this new life, where everything feels like a dream.

at the hop.

This past weekend, my favorite humans ventured into my city of Dallas. Katheryn hailing from Houston and Ruben, coincidentally on the same weekend, from Kansas City.

So, we made Saturday the greatest, most wonderful, double date day of all time, as Ruben brought his boyfriend Derrick with him. Which, is a rare treat.

The day started off with Ruben picking us up and heading to Cosmic Cafe, eating my favorite foods and drinking bottomless coffee. We all laughed and got to know each other better, and it was perfect. Afterwards, we headed to Fort Worth to check out the Modern Art Museum and the Kimbell Art Museum. We spent a lot of time at the modern because no one had been but me. 

Above you can see Derek walking across Carl Andre's sculpture, Slit (1981). This was a big deal for Derek as he explained (I'm extremely paraphrasing here) that it is meant to be walked across, but you also feel like you shouldn't. We watched and some people didn't even know it existed. And, here you have Derek wanting me to capture the moment because it was a big deal to him. Beautiful.

(The artwork in the back of Derek is Dark Blue Panel, Dark Green Panel, Red Panel, by Ellsworth Kelly, 1986.)

The most intriguing art to me was an exhibition of Fred Tomaselli. His collages were so intricate and breathtaking. I can only wish that I owned his artwork.

We walked around holding hands and discussing the pieces, Derek and Ruben both art students, Katheryn and I both passionate. It was splendid. The Kimbell was quite different. We caught it 30 minutes from close. They have so many original paintings, and while there I was very inspired to start a photo series of the guest of museums, Museum Dwellers. For this, I'd like to use my TLR, so it may happen in the future.

Afterwards we headed to Good Records to kill time before was saw the new Wes, Grand Budapest Hotel. Katheryn and Ruben geeked out and bought a handful of albums, and Derek and I strolled about pausing to kiss our lovers from time to time. 

Next was Paciugo and then the film. 

I wish I could lie and say that I loved the film, but I didn't. It was beautiful. It seems as though Wes' budget continues to increase, so therefore, it was stunning. The main characters were absolutely charming. It's just, there were a handful of things that I didn't like. Some of the characters were never fully developed to my liking. The story ended quite abruptly, and depressing. However, I also do this thing where I anticipate greatness and that leaves me to be displeased by my own faults. Who knows. I would still recommend it.

Isn't Katheryn beautiful?

The rest of the night was spent having Shiner with some friends, playing Catchphrase and card games and passing out early in the morning.

Needless to say, the rest of the weekend was even more magic than this day.

All photos taken with my Canon EOS digital Rebel 350D.

Well, well, well. Hasn't it been a hot minute since my poor canon has seen the lights of day.

To be precise, it has been since 2013 that I have taken any self portraits, or even photographs on my canon at all. Luckily, I haven't been completely useless and have still been venturing around with my Polaroid or Instax, or sometimes both, hanging from my shoulder. My iphone has been a trusty substitute.

Honestly, my life has been moving at a hyper-speed that I'm not quite used to. It all began with stretching my social butterfly wings as I had been locked away, avoiding friends to avoid conflict, to avoid anything, I guess. This whole new lease on life, unleashed on me and I have been quite frivolous and probably a little too social for anyone's good, especially mine, but I won't take back anything at all, because it has been magic and brought back this thirst for life, and led me to meet my muse, Katheryn.

Her face will be gracing this blog soon, I'm sure. However, not as often as I'd like as she and I are getting ourselves into one those long distance romances. Which, considering our sentiment and intellect find this rather romantic, for now. I can't wait to send her cute things in the real mail, and anticipate the days leading up to her receiving packages because life is all about instant gratification these days, and we forget what its like to wait on a package, to wait for a sweet reaction from a beautiful girl, to wait to see your significant other, the yearning, the build up, it's all so much magic.

So, here is to me, being back to me. To this beautiful self that was lost for a while, but is back, and motivated and ready to keep improving and constantly striving to better myself, and to this life with this new light.

Pictures taken with my Canon EOS Digital Rebel 350D, on the balcony of my apartment I'm learning to love. 

bathed in grey.

My old friend text me the other day and said, "What happened to your pregnancy?", referring to a previous entry about feeling pregnant with inspiration.

I said, "the loss of my memory card." Mixed with a little stress of apartment hunting, moving, packing, and everything that goes with it. Not to mention, my social level is at an all time high. I swear, time is flying by being stretched so thin.

The picture above is the most perfect apartment that I finally found. Did I mention it's perfect?
It's a fourplex, so mine is the entire top, right half. It's all wood floors, crown molding everywhere, big closet, and has a little stack-able washer and dryer. I'll get pictures when I get it all decorated and cute. I'm so excited.

Big changes ahead. I can't wait to build this new life.

The other weekend I was give a free Canon Rebel film SLR. I have eight rolls of film I have been watering at the mouth to use. I'm so excited. Once I get back on my feet from this move I'm also going to invest in some impossible film and use my polaroid that has been hanging around collecting dust since I got it three years ago.

So many things I want to do. Sew, take pictures, make music, make art.

I've missed feeling so thrilled by life.

Remember everyone, it's okay to cut people out of your life. To get yourself out of situations that make you feel unhappy, and however hard and scary it seems, the healing process is way faster and less painful than you think it is.

the importance of music

It's unbelievable sometimes how much music affects your life. I mean, obviously music is made to please you, to give you something easy to listen to, to make you want to dance, to make you feel something. But, the weight of it sometimes in overwhelming.

At the end of October my long-term girlfriend and I split up.

That next week I found out my aunt had cancer. My aunt who has always been like a mom to me.

Three weeks later, and she passed away. 

It's fucking insane how in one month, your whole life can change in just about every way.

My girlfriend, our cute house, her dog, that life is gone.

My aunt, she's gone.

Everything is changing and I'm left to build this new life.

It's this insane transition and it has definitely had it's downs, but it also has its ups. It's like the fucking strings of time have wrapped themselves around like FUCKING WAKE UP AND DO SOMETHING MORE WITH YOUR LIFE.

So, that's what I'm doing. I'm doing something for me for fucking once. I'm doing this for my aunt because the final words I heard her say were that she wanted to make sure I was taken care of. It was the first time she cried, and we always meant to so much to each other. Always will. I will make sure that I'm taken care of.

The point of this post - Throughout every transition I have been through so far in my life, it's almost like the music has taken a more important role. Like a soundtrack, and when I hear the music of my  past endeavors the nostalgia is almost too much to bare, and I am rushed back to those moments, and I feel it all.

When I moved out of my parents house the moment I turned 18. I got this cute apartment and my best friend told me to buy Objects of my Affection by Peter Bjorn & John. I played that album as long as it could go while decorating and building this new home, becoming an adult, this fucking freedom that I had never felt, that first taste of it. It was summer and I had all of my friends and I was dating and I was figuring out my sexuality. That album forever feels like the beginning of the rest of my life.

And now.

The album that has serenaded and guided me through this transition is Cupid Deluxe by Blood Orange. I have always obsessed over his older music, and the tracks he writes and produces for other artists. Basically anything he touches is gold. His new album dropped around the same time that my life as I knew it changed. And I can't fucking ever put into words. All his songs. The lyrics. The jazzy 80's pop sound. It's too much. I take hot baths and put on his songs and it's like everything that is complete shit doesn't exist for a second, and honestly, things don't feel like complete shit anymore when I return back to reality. It's absolutely perfect. Even my two best friends, when I try and explain it to them, how this album has aided me throughout all of these changes, they listen to it and they tell me, I can see why. 

I must have this on vinyl.

I must have the new King Krule on vinyl.

I must have Tender Opposites by TOPS on vinyl.

This is an important list.

Listen to your music guys. Really, really listen.

a future eulogy, or something.

i feel as though i have run into a few epiphanies today. simple, yet intense self revelations.

since this weekend i have been in this weird, autopilot, limbo that i can't seem to shake. i find that sleeping is becoming difficult lately and i can't put my finger on it and i'm just thrown around about my day and i have no time to really even wrap my head around it like i normally. to sit down and just fucking write and get my brain sorted out from all of it's constant tangling.

this path month has been a fucking whirlwind. my whole life has changed almost completely and i haven't had a chance to really sit back and soak it up, i'm just going with it and trying not fall on my face.

my girlfriend of three years and i broke up. let me tell you those first few weeks were probably the most intense weeks i have experienced since i can remember something that really tested my strength and will. i have never, ever been through something like this. it was the most adult, amicable, mature, wonderful breakup, or just about anything that i have ever experienced. it was everything that anyone could ever dream a perfect breakup to be, that it almost made it...okay. i won't delve into it too much because despite the fact that i don't think anyone reads this, i don't like putting too much of my personal life out there into the internet world, or even my real life world for that matter. we are still great friends and i still admire the shit out of her and am thankful for every moment spent, even the bad ones as i know that i would not be where i am today if it was not for her. she is a beautiful human being and i am lucky to even know her, and even luckier to have been able to love her and be loved by her. to be able to spend nights with her and have her by my side in very stressful, upsetting moments in my life. nothing will ever compare to our story, and i know that we will always be in each other's lives, and i am thankful for that daily. it has truly been a dream.

today i sit here and i think about my life, at 24 years of age. how 2013 is coming to a close and how i am not where i pictured myself to be, however, i never really though about my future too much when i was younger. i am one of those live-in-the-moment-ers and i found myself stuck in a whirlwind of peer pressure and whiskey for a year there. 

today, honestly, i am proud of being where i am. i could write all day about the things that i have been through the last few years of my life. but, i won't. as much as in the moment person that i am, i am also always moving forward.

this morning i laid in bed, i woke up late for work as i've been having crazy dreams and weird sleeping patterns. i was upset that i woke up late. then i thought, well hey you pressed that snooze button seventeen times. 

that's when it hit.

god damn i'm tired of being late. okay, well then don't. wake up earlier.

i'm so sick of not putting effort into my appearance anymore. okay, so then do it.

goodness, i want to get fit. okay so fucking eat better and exercise.

everything that i want, i am fully capable of. i just need to fucking do it.

this has been a pattern in my life of not sticking to things.

then another pattern of being too fucking hard on myself.

i didn't stick to my 365, but there was also a death in my family.

i don't need to kick myself when i'm down because i barely stuck to this. 

i have taken more pictures in the last few weeks than i have in months, and i will continue to.

i have been having these dreams where i am pregnant, and as someone who never wanted kids, it has left me confused in my waking life. this weird lucid dream and constant thought that my body is telling me i'm pregnant.

i looked to my friend and she told me that these dream translate into this intense desire to create.

to fucking create.

i think it boils down to me being hard on myself for not taking pictures the last week. for not writing in ages. 

i'm just sitting around waiting for this change, and all i have to do is simply...change.

sincerely,

these constant revelations that need to become a reality.

it's time to make this next year the year where everything comes together.

11/365.

despite the obvious death in my family. i have been feeling so great lately.

i've come back into my own. in a relationship with myself. growing stronger, more confident, driven, passionate and ready to grab my life by the tits.

i'm excited for the future. i'm excited to make my life what i've wanted it to be.

how soon is now?

Here are some snaps of me from this weekend that my friend took.

I got some really bad news today, and looking at this smile that was on my face just a few nights ago feels so foreign to me.

There is nothing that you can do in life but continue pushing through all the shit with the utmost morality and strength that you can muster.

keep austin weird.

Babe and I went to Austin for my birthday weekend.

I took time off of work and we went kayaking, and walked the dogs all over town and ate a lot of meals outside. We got a bit day drunk and bought too much candy, and got tattoos.

It was perfect.

weekendings.

Yesterday we went to Trader's Village. We bought a bunch of shit we didn't need. Like these sunglasses. I got colored contacts, a necklace with Tori's name written on a grain of rice. We got new cell phone covers and lots of really great, inexpensive produce.

Before Trader's, Tori and I were gluttons and got La Madeline to go because we didn't want to get dressed. We got coffee and brought the dogs and fed them puppacino's. It was nice.

Saturday night my friends wanted us to go out. Tori was beat, so I took this picture of her. All Saturday we got dressed up and went to down town Ft. Worth and walked around to silly shops, at lunch at this delicious restaurant, and I took some pictures of her in this bridge.

I got these bad ass sunglasses where people can see themselves in a fish-eye sort of way. So, naturally, I took this being the reflection-ass-bitch that I am.

Last weekend we all went out. We went to Grapevine bar where we snapped these. The crowed was bleak, so we ventured to good ol' Beauty Bar where the bartender got me way too drunk and kissed my hand goodbye.

Before we left, Tori and I captured how thug our life really is.

Nothing beat ice-cold coffee.

It's been a bit since I have updated this blog.

I have actually been having a bit of a life.

Tori got a job at Starbucks, and absolutely loves it. Which is great. Plus, Starbucks, omg.

We have been doing a lot of fun things. Crafts, being social, and recently started a new life.

By that I mean this great app called C25K.

We have finished day 2 of week 1, and I feel fucking fantastic. I feel like all of this talk about changing our life is finally happening.

I mean we even went and bought running gear. Can you get more serious?

I have some pictures on my memory card to edit, but it's at home.

My phone is currently experiencing some white screen of death, which is unfortunate.

Until next time.