Wednesday, June 11, 2014

dance yourself clean.

My girlfriend keeps pointing out that I haven't written in my blog in a while, that I haven't taken pictures in a while. I haven't finished my book. It's things like this that remind me just how special she is. That not only is she interested in what I have to say and do, but that she wants to make sure that I keep at things that make me happy. Things that I do for me. Because, sometimes, I do put these things to rest, as it's documented right here on this blog. 

Honestly, I write the most when I'm not happy, when I'm sad, or when something is weighing so heavily on me that there is nothing that I can do but write to release that pressure. When something pivotal that tests me is happening. These are the times I write the most. Which led me to the realization, that I already knew, but it really set in just how happy I am.

This weekend was really momentous. All day Thursday at work, my stomach was in knots and I was anxious and nervous, like I was getting ready for a first date. Katheryn was being weird and I just had this feeling that she was going to come see me, but at the same time, I kept telling myself that there was no way. It hit 5:00 and my friend text me that she was here to pick me up, but when I walked outside I saw Katheryn's car. I just started shaking my head, because I couldn't believe that she was here. I couldn't believe that this woman had been planning this with my friend, that she wanted to drive 300 miles on her only days off to come and see me. She opened the door and her long legs hit the ground. She looked fucking beautiful. I just hugged her and kissed her, I missed her so much. She opened the back door and pulled out large, bright sunflowers. My favorite, and they were the best looking ones and they smelled so amazing. I couldn't believe that she was here. She told me that she came to tell me something.

Friday morning she drove me to work. It was so strange having her in my bed on a day that she shouldn't be. Being a part of my normal, everyday life. I remember looking at her in the car and just feeling so fucking overwhelmed. I laid my head on her shoulder and she wrapped her arms around my head and kissed my forehead and my heart just felt the fullest it's ever felt. Those small moments, you know, there's nothing bigger than that. 

That night we went to dinner and then to meet some friends. We parked, and she turned off the car. She looked at me and told me I was gorgeous, and like most moments with us, the world fell silent. She kissed me and in between she started to tell me what she came here for. "I came here to tell you, that I've fallen in love with you." I couldn't speak. She told me that she knew the first time she saw me, and our first date. I didn't tell her, but I knew too. I knew that morning when she took me to work. I felt it when I visited her in Houston and sat across from her at the coffee shop, and watched her drink her latte and read the paper, and how ever detail about her, every small, tiny, intricate detail about her from the inside out was everything I never even knew I wanted, everything I ever dreamed and things that I couldn't possibly even dream of because I didn't know their perfection. There was ink on her fingers, and she looked up and smiled, and I felt it. 

We cuddled all that night in our sleep. She left that morning before 8 AM. We were so tired and our goodbye was made of sleepy eyes and little brain function. By the end of the day, I hit a wall. The distance of our relationship really fucking sunk it. The reality of it all. The reality that this is it. This will be it, and it's not changing. Not anytime soon. That the woman that I love lives in a different city. Saying those words out loud, saying them made it real. And everything sunk in, and I haven't been able to really feel better. I'll see her in a little over a week, for a day and a half. I'll see her that next weekend for a week long trip, and I can't even fathom what it will be like to have so many days with her. I can't help but think of what that goodbye will be like, because every moment I'm with her, I fall more in love with her, and how am I supposed to say goodbye after 7 whole days of falling in love with her?

So, that's why I took pictures last night. Because there's nothing like a hot shower when you're down and out. There's nothing like the water meeting that of your eyes, because there's something so much more than cleaning the dirt of off your skin, washing off all of your makeup, being naked and vulnerable. It's a therapy, it's your time to think and be alone with your body. They always make me feel better in a way, they at least let me think, get my head straight, but I don't feel much better. I've never been in a relationship where the simple things aren't so simple, because the simple things are my favorite, and it's not fair that I can't have her over to cook dinner with and watch a movie and fall asleep halfway through because I'm so comfortable in her arms. Or take her on a date, or just lay around on a couch with her. Or just drop by her work and see her for just a second, just a second because that's all I need to feel better about anything bad that might be happening in my day. I know we can make it work, because even so far away, I feel her more than I've ever felt anyone that's tangible in my day to day. 

Sometimes I still have to take a second and remind myself that Katheryn is real, and that she loves me. She loves me. I can't believe it, but I'm glad she does, and how can I be sad when I know this?

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