Tuesday, December 10, 2013

a future eulogy, or something.

i feel as though i have run into a few epiphanies today. simple, yet intense self revelations.

since this weekend i have been in this weird, autopilot, limbo that i can't seem to shake. i find that sleeping is becoming difficult lately and i can't put my finger on it and i'm just thrown around about my day and i have no time to really even wrap my head around it like i normally. to sit down and just fucking write and get my brain sorted out from all of it's constant tangling.

this path month has been a fucking whirlwind. my whole life has changed almost completely and i haven't had a chance to really sit back and soak it up, i'm just going with it and trying not fall on my face.

my girlfriend of three years and i broke up. let me tell you those first few weeks were probably the most intense weeks i have experienced since i can remember something that really tested my strength and will. i have never, ever been through something like this. it was the most adult, amicable, mature, wonderful breakup, or just about anything that i have ever experienced. it was everything that anyone could ever dream a perfect breakup to be, that it almost made it...okay. i won't delve into it too much because despite the fact that i don't think anyone reads this, i don't like putting too much of my personal life out there into the internet world, or even my real life world for that matter. we are still great friends and i still admire the shit out of her and am thankful for every moment spent, even the bad ones as i know that i would not be where i am today if it was not for her. she is a beautiful human being and i am lucky to even know her, and even luckier to have been able to love her and be loved by her. to be able to spend nights with her and have her by my side in very stressful, upsetting moments in my life. nothing will ever compare to our story, and i know that we will always be in each other's lives, and i am thankful for that daily. it has truly been a dream.

today i sit here and i think about my life, at 24 years of age. how 2013 is coming to a close and how i am not where i pictured myself to be, however, i never really though about my future too much when i was younger. i am one of those live-in-the-moment-ers and i found myself stuck in a whirlwind of peer pressure and whiskey for a year there. 

today, honestly, i am proud of being where i am. i could write all day about the things that i have been through the last few years of my life. but, i won't. as much as in the moment person that i am, i am also always moving forward.

this morning i laid in bed, i woke up late for work as i've been having crazy dreams and weird sleeping patterns. i was upset that i woke up late. then i thought, well hey you pressed that snooze button seventeen times. 

that's when it hit.

god damn i'm tired of being late. okay, well then don't. wake up earlier.
i'm so sick of not putting effort into my appearance anymore. okay, so then do it.
goodness, i want to get fit. okay so fucking eat better and exercise.

everything that i want, i am fully capable of. i just need to fucking do it.

this has been a pattern in my life of not sticking to things.
then another pattern of being too fucking hard on myself.

i didn't stick to my 365, but there was also a death in my family.
i don't need to kick myself when i'm down because i barely stuck to this. 

i have taken more pictures in the last few weeks than i have in months, and i will continue to.

i have been having these dreams where i am pregnant, and as someone who never wanted kids, it has left me confused in my waking life. this weird lucid dream and constant thought that my body is telling me i'm pregnant.

i looked to my friend and she told me that these dream translate into this intense desire to create.
to fucking create.

i think it boils down to me being hard on myself for not taking pictures the last week. for not writing in ages. 

i'm just sitting around waiting for this change, and all i have to do is simply...change.


these constant revelations that need to become a reality.

it's time to make this next year the year where everything comes together.

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